I knew it would happen one day. And it happened today..guess it just got too much for a second but it got me to this ..insight..this damn realisation. And I thought I knew what REALLY REALIZING something means..
That's how it went..
Me being quite strange all day..some stupid pains in my lower back and horrifyingly swinging moods and on top of all these things the awful "going-nowhere" row about what's best for my sister and whats right or wrong in the eyes of the PUBLIC ..in the eyes of the society..after explaining or rather hopelessly trying to explain how some close ones may feel like..after never thought about how I feel about all these things, after never ASKED how I feel about it .. I just lost it
Just lost it
About 16.00 pm it was at that moment (I know because I was just about to get off to my classes) when everything just came down, flushed over me..I lost control, smacked my foot in the cupboardish thing which just happened to be on my way, sent the cotton bad which I was holding in my hand to the farness ( as far as a tiny innocent cotton bad can possibly fly..) and burst into tears..helplessly trying to signalize to my slightly startled friend (in some sort of sign language) that I'm moving over to the kitchen now.
Fortunately she knows that in that kind of situations it's better to stay away from me.
What was the trigger?
Why was it piling up like this?
Why now, why today?
After two short minutes of ground shaking crying in the kitchen I stood up, took my things and went downstairs (others were ready to go, so I had to go..)
On the back seat..as nothing ever happened
Physical reactions appear..I start to feel sick, really sick and the terrible headache..it's just building itself up and up..and down and up..And I can't hear anything, time's just standing and I feel like I don't exist at this moment or I don't feel anything, not sure.
I know they're talking something there but I can't hear anything..trees and buildings and cars and silence, this appalling silence. Don't care about anything..just feeling sooo tired.
Then train..oh, now I really feel sick, must look outside..
And this feeling was so strong that I was ready to skip my classes and to run to the library to quickly write it all down, being afraid that it will go away, that I won't remember anymore..bought a pack of cigarettes (since I came back to England, which was on the sixteenth of February, I had had only one cigarette). After that felt physically even worse. But then we just walked to the college and I didn't think anymore at all..there was a man passing us with this stupid suitcase with wheels..but the sound..it was almost musical..the sound the wheels made on the stone pavement. Everything felt so weird.
The thing that made it so different from the other outbursts is the fact that now I know exactly what it feels like when you think your supposedly friends should be brave enough to say something, to say something when they see that everything is just not OK.
I felt so defeated, so betrayed, so exhausted..
And the funny part..yes there was a funny part too ..was that quite soon I didn't care what happened..all I was interested in was to know why my body reacted that way. I needed to write it down quickly to go through it again ..over and over again..My body was still shaking in the classroom and I felt like I was in a big bubble..in my own warm bubble.
But then I recognised my classmate smiling at me and everything cleared up. My bubble drifted away..The class went well, we laughed a lot and it was like seeing a sun tribe in the muddy autumn evening. After lessons we went for a drink with my friend and I tried and I tried I really tried to explain it all over, I wanted to understand just a little bit more..to fix it just as it was..for ever or at least for as long as I can scrabble it down somewhere. But it was already gone. The moment was gone, the feeling was gone
It was gone
And I'm not able to reconstruct it. It's gone. But I still remember or rather know or am aware of the feeling of betrayal.
Hmm..interesting..
Maybe I really ought to start thinking about controlling my roller-coaster like emotions. Not sure how long I can cope with that kind of ups and downs..
And somehow our conversation (don't ask me how..totally out of context) lead to an interesting thought my friend came up with- when people cheat on each other anyway, why do they have this stupid thing called faithfulness? If it's programmed into us (well I guess mostly in men) to jump and bang as much as we can and with everyone we can then why do we have to hide it why to we have to be faithful? If one is being with different partners before a steady partner or a husband/wife and probably after as well (in case the relationship doesn't work out)then why does it matter if one is with others at the same time as well..
And poor men, I mean by doing something as natural as following the urge to procreate ..they're getting punished! Hahha . That's just tragicomedy!
Long live morality and borders set by our ancestors!
Anyway after a pint I couldn't be bothered about my Eureka moment anymore..My little Ephemere..
That's how it went..
Me being quite strange all day..some stupid pains in my lower back and horrifyingly swinging moods and on top of all these things the awful "going-nowhere" row about what's best for my sister and whats right or wrong in the eyes of the PUBLIC ..in the eyes of the society..after explaining or rather hopelessly trying to explain how some close ones may feel like..after never thought about how I feel about all these things, after never ASKED how I feel about it .. I just lost it
Just lost it
About 16.00 pm it was at that moment (I know because I was just about to get off to my classes) when everything just came down, flushed over me..I lost control, smacked my foot in the cupboardish thing which just happened to be on my way, sent the cotton bad which I was holding in my hand to the farness ( as far as a tiny innocent cotton bad can possibly fly..) and burst into tears..helplessly trying to signalize to my slightly startled friend (in some sort of sign language) that I'm moving over to the kitchen now.
Fortunately she knows that in that kind of situations it's better to stay away from me.
What was the trigger?
Why was it piling up like this?
Why now, why today?
After two short minutes of ground shaking crying in the kitchen I stood up, took my things and went downstairs (others were ready to go, so I had to go..)
On the back seat..as nothing ever happened
Physical reactions appear..I start to feel sick, really sick and the terrible headache..it's just building itself up and up..and down and up..And I can't hear anything, time's just standing and I feel like I don't exist at this moment or I don't feel anything, not sure.
I know they're talking something there but I can't hear anything..trees and buildings and cars and silence, this appalling silence. Don't care about anything..just feeling sooo tired.
Then train..oh, now I really feel sick, must look outside..
And this feeling was so strong that I was ready to skip my classes and to run to the library to quickly write it all down, being afraid that it will go away, that I won't remember anymore..bought a pack of cigarettes (since I came back to England, which was on the sixteenth of February, I had had only one cigarette). After that felt physically even worse. But then we just walked to the college and I didn't think anymore at all..there was a man passing us with this stupid suitcase with wheels..but the sound..it was almost musical..the sound the wheels made on the stone pavement. Everything felt so weird.
The thing that made it so different from the other outbursts is the fact that now I know exactly what it feels like when you think your supposedly friends should be brave enough to say something, to say something when they see that everything is just not OK.
I felt so defeated, so betrayed, so exhausted..
And the funny part..yes there was a funny part too ..was that quite soon I didn't care what happened..all I was interested in was to know why my body reacted that way. I needed to write it down quickly to go through it again ..over and over again..My body was still shaking in the classroom and I felt like I was in a big bubble..in my own warm bubble.
But then I recognised my classmate smiling at me and everything cleared up. My bubble drifted away..The class went well, we laughed a lot and it was like seeing a sun tribe in the muddy autumn evening. After lessons we went for a drink with my friend and I tried and I tried I really tried to explain it all over, I wanted to understand just a little bit more..to fix it just as it was..for ever or at least for as long as I can scrabble it down somewhere. But it was already gone. The moment was gone, the feeling was gone
It was gone
And I'm not able to reconstruct it. It's gone. But I still remember or rather know or am aware of the feeling of betrayal.
Hmm..interesting..
Maybe I really ought to start thinking about controlling my roller-coaster like emotions. Not sure how long I can cope with that kind of ups and downs..
And somehow our conversation (don't ask me how..totally out of context) lead to an interesting thought my friend came up with- when people cheat on each other anyway, why do they have this stupid thing called faithfulness? If it's programmed into us (well I guess mostly in men) to jump and bang as much as we can and with everyone we can then why do we have to hide it why to we have to be faithful? If one is being with different partners before a steady partner or a husband/wife and probably after as well (in case the relationship doesn't work out)then why does it matter if one is with others at the same time as well..
And poor men, I mean by doing something as natural as following the urge to procreate ..they're getting punished! Hahha . That's just tragicomedy!
Long live morality and borders set by our ancestors!
Anyway after a pint I couldn't be bothered about my Eureka moment anymore..My little Ephemere..
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