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Saturday, April 30, 2011
There is no chance encounters
"28.April 2011
I wish I had a typewriter installed in my head because it's constantly producing writing material..on every step I take, with every sun beam I see..constant flow of thoughts..and as soon as I sit behind the computer and actually have Internet connection to write something - it's blank!
so here I am on my afternoon break, all by myself with a little note on the bed "CU2nite I@U xxx" ( @ - haven't got a heart key).."
must have fallen asleep because that's exactly where it ends in my notebook
"30 April 2011
I'm sitting at the very end of a cliff top, waves crushing against the rocks.
It's my day off. Woke up with a minor hangover from last nights disco. Disco - yes, a real disco on the island. Don't laugh! Theme - surprise, surprise - wedding.
But it's such a glorious day to be wasted on healing in bed.
It's quite incredible, the surrounding I mean. I've found a wind shelter behind a stone, a small and dry patch of grass with an open view to the Ocean. It's amazing and powerful. It almost makes me wanna cry...just like when I had an Alzheimer's guy in the bar with the most caring partner or when a family ran on the ferry and forgot a wee boy behind ..standing on the chair ..
Now I know how the Ocean feels like. I can feel it.
About feeling things -
I used to think that I want to SEE the world but now I want to FEEL the world and experience how the world makes me feel, how my mind, body and soul will respond to the world.
I've been dancing all night in my high heels, returned home about 5 am, worked 10 and a half hours just before it and the sun is working it's magic..my eyelids are becoming heavier and heavier. I might just curl up on the grass and take a little nap..hopefully not falling off the cliff!
Several hours have passed and I'm been walking along the rough coast line, climbed the rocks, taken few breaks and now sitting on the edge of the South coast of Iona and I REALISED JUST RIGHT NOW what true happiness is.
I can feel my whole body smiling, my face is smiling, my skin is smiling, my toes, my heart and even my spine is smiling. Everything seems extraordinary beautiful and I'm filled with pure love and content. I've got someone I love with every molecule and I'm being loved in return. I feel so free. This feeling is quite sensational.
I guess I really ought to explain what happened after Hershe had read the letter and I returned home.
She sure was not talking to me. And I subconsciously returned to my old control drama -being aloof ( more information about control dramas - The Celestine Prophecy), inherited from my childhood. From my mother. After realizing that I'm again being stuck in it, I took some action and approached Her, asking her to let me know when ever she's ready to talk.
And I waited. And waited.
Went to bed. And waited.
When she finally came to bedroom - still not a word. Killed the light and crawled to the other side of the bed.
And I waited. Nothing.
Then I put my arms around her and asked what was going on because I did not understand that kind of behaviour. She pushed me away.
And I waited.
I heard her weeping. And I knew that the time was right.
What had happened was that she understood the first bit of my letter and then got into her head that there's a guy I cannot stop thinking about. And she thought - this is it.
And it made her realize how deeply she really loves me. I felt it in the air, in her shaking body, I saw it in her eyes.
Me being loaded with loads of positive energy from the day, remained calm and strong. My calmness even surprised me a bit. So I explained to her everything. How I've never had a vision of us being together in the future, that it has still been a classical manandawifewithchildren model and how Charlie had somehow made me see that. And think about it. He proved that I can trust myself, that I don't need the constant attention from men, that I don't need to keep my options always open. That I don't have to constantly keep my eyes open for seeking perfection.
There is no perfection. We are humans.
And this is my happiness. My happiness is with her. This night, this letter and Charlie had changed everything. Our relationship was taken into another higher level, emotional level. We didn't have a platonic relationship with Hershe before we hooked up and we have to make it all up now. Start getting to know each other. " I like getting to know you" she says through her tears..
The trust and freedom we have now has made everything so real. We are waking up with smiles on our faces .we now know how we really feel about each other, we have opened up and all the fears have seem to be vanished.
Content is the word.
Content and happiness.
Not only I feel euphoria ,as one feels being in love, when I'm around her - I'm able to feel the euphoria all the time now.
Tho I do miss her even right now, to share this magnificent sight and emotions I'm going through, I'm still content. And her absence is not paralysing any more.
I would like to spend every possible moment with her..but at the same time ,wish to spend well every moment when it's not possible to be with her.
We have reached the "comfortable silence moment" level. You know what I'm talking about, don't you..
Having learned how to enjoy myself without her has made being with her even more enjoyable. Seeing each other again releases flushes of sensational joy!
It's good to be loved and to love.
That's way I had to meet Charlie in my life. And I did let him know about his impact to our lives..
and looks like some other lives have been touched as well..
I wish I had a typewriter installed in my head because it's constantly producing writing material..on every step I take, with every sun beam I see..constant flow of thoughts..and as soon as I sit behind the computer and actually have Internet connection to write something - it's blank!
so here I am on my afternoon break, all by myself with a little note on the bed "CU2nite I@U xxx" ( @ - haven't got a heart key).."
must have fallen asleep because that's exactly where it ends in my notebook
"30 April 2011
I'm sitting at the very end of a cliff top, waves crushing against the rocks.
It's my day off. Woke up with a minor hangover from last nights disco. Disco - yes, a real disco on the island. Don't laugh! Theme - surprise, surprise - wedding.
But it's such a glorious day to be wasted on healing in bed.
It's quite incredible, the surrounding I mean. I've found a wind shelter behind a stone, a small and dry patch of grass with an open view to the Ocean. It's amazing and powerful. It almost makes me wanna cry...just like when I had an Alzheimer's guy in the bar with the most caring partner or when a family ran on the ferry and forgot a wee boy behind ..standing on the chair ..
Now I know how the Ocean feels like. I can feel it.
About feeling things -
I used to think that I want to SEE the world but now I want to FEEL the world and experience how the world makes me feel, how my mind, body and soul will respond to the world.
I've been dancing all night in my high heels, returned home about 5 am, worked 10 and a half hours just before it and the sun is working it's magic..my eyelids are becoming heavier and heavier. I might just curl up on the grass and take a little nap..hopefully not falling off the cliff!
Several hours have passed and I'm been walking along the rough coast line, climbed the rocks, taken few breaks and now sitting on the edge of the South coast of Iona and I REALISED JUST RIGHT NOW what true happiness is.
I can feel my whole body smiling, my face is smiling, my skin is smiling, my toes, my heart and even my spine is smiling. Everything seems extraordinary beautiful and I'm filled with pure love and content. I've got someone I love with every molecule and I'm being loved in return. I feel so free. This feeling is quite sensational.
I guess I really ought to explain what happened after Hershe had read the letter and I returned home.
She sure was not talking to me. And I subconsciously returned to my old control drama -being aloof ( more information about control dramas - The Celestine Prophecy), inherited from my childhood. From my mother. After realizing that I'm again being stuck in it, I took some action and approached Her, asking her to let me know when ever she's ready to talk.
And I waited. And waited.
Went to bed. And waited.
When she finally came to bedroom - still not a word. Killed the light and crawled to the other side of the bed.
And I waited. Nothing.
Then I put my arms around her and asked what was going on because I did not understand that kind of behaviour. She pushed me away.
And I waited.
I heard her weeping. And I knew that the time was right.
What had happened was that she understood the first bit of my letter and then got into her head that there's a guy I cannot stop thinking about. And she thought - this is it.
And it made her realize how deeply she really loves me. I felt it in the air, in her shaking body, I saw it in her eyes.
Me being loaded with loads of positive energy from the day, remained calm and strong. My calmness even surprised me a bit. So I explained to her everything. How I've never had a vision of us being together in the future, that it has still been a classical manandawifewithchildren model and how Charlie had somehow made me see that. And think about it. He proved that I can trust myself, that I don't need the constant attention from men, that I don't need to keep my options always open. That I don't have to constantly keep my eyes open for seeking perfection.
There is no perfection. We are humans.
And this is my happiness. My happiness is with her. This night, this letter and Charlie had changed everything. Our relationship was taken into another higher level, emotional level. We didn't have a platonic relationship with Hershe before we hooked up and we have to make it all up now. Start getting to know each other. " I like getting to know you" she says through her tears..
The trust and freedom we have now has made everything so real. We are waking up with smiles on our faces .we now know how we really feel about each other, we have opened up and all the fears have seem to be vanished.
Content is the word.
Content and happiness.
Not only I feel euphoria ,as one feels being in love, when I'm around her - I'm able to feel the euphoria all the time now.
Tho I do miss her even right now, to share this magnificent sight and emotions I'm going through, I'm still content. And her absence is not paralysing any more.
I would like to spend every possible moment with her..but at the same time ,wish to spend well every moment when it's not possible to be with her.
We have reached the "comfortable silence moment" level. You know what I'm talking about, don't you..
Having learned how to enjoy myself without her has made being with her even more enjoyable. Seeing each other again releases flushes of sensational joy!
It's good to be loved and to love.
That's way I had to meet Charlie in my life. And I did let him know about his impact to our lives..
and looks like some other lives have been touched as well..
Sunday, April 24, 2011
"My darling Hershe,
I've gone up to the North beach to figure out some answers for the questions I've been keeping in the back of my head, so I could see more clearly why exactly has the path led me into this place and why have I met the people I've met.
And to reassure to myself that the sacrifice (being here) is worth making in order to make our goal to come true.
But there's something I've been wanting to tell you. We have becoming the victims of person addiction.
Let me explain.
I love you. I really do and without doubting you, I know that you love me too. I trust that feeling. And this trust will keep us away from becoming jealous which leads to betrayal and from there on to hatred til we can't stand the sight of each other anymore. And only because we loved each other so much and became addicted of one another.
What I'm trying to say is that we have to let go of addiction so we are not stopping each other from evolving and growing as two individuals.
What I'm talking about is the paralysing feeling when one is waiting the other to come home. And that's all we can do. Because we can't function before the other one is close enough. But we must become over that, cos it is not letting us to live, sorry, to enjoy every moment we have on earth.
We have to learn that.
I want you to block out the feeling of anxiety when I'm not around. Then you have two options:
1) come and see me (meet me)
2)or go out and be open to what ever the day has to offer or be creative or productive or just take time for yourself. Indulge in yourself.
Anything but STOP WAITING.
And I'll try to do the same.
I have to admit that this is not easy because I'm constantly thinking of you, wishing you were here. So I could just feel your presence.
But being like this is cutting us out of the rest of the world. I hope you don't take this message in a wrong way. And when we see each other again I hope I can explain more clearly.
I love and can't wait to see you, to hold you, to see your familiar smile, to hear your voice and smell your skin.
Meanwhile.
I'll be up on the North Coast. Perhaps reading my book,
watching the waves.
Maybe meeting someone interesting to talk to.
I don't know.
Maybe I'll take a bottle of wine with me and two glasses (one for you in case you decide to come up there) or just in case someone else comes, so I could share my wine and start up a conversation by offering a glass of wine.
Interaction with other people is so very important as I've learned from the last week or two. I will explain that one to you later on. It involves Charlie and the reason I've met him. And what he has taught me without even realizing it himself.
I've been thinking about him a lot, about our conversations and the amount of time I've spent thinking about him. it was scaring me.
But today I realised why it all had happened. And I can't wait to explain that to you.
Hershe,
I am so grateful that you have let me to love you because love doesn't just happen - love needs to be given a chance..the green light.
If I don't see you on the beach, I will see you in the evening after you finish work.
Think about what I said (wrote) and try to understand what I meant.
The last thing I want to happen to us is us suffocating our love and not meaning to do that.I want to love you consciously and work towards supporting each others personal growth and self discoveries.
Love,
Chica"
that's my letter to Hershe..things didn't turn out as well as I hoped...
to be continued..
I've gone up to the North beach to figure out some answers for the questions I've been keeping in the back of my head, so I could see more clearly why exactly has the path led me into this place and why have I met the people I've met.
And to reassure to myself that the sacrifice (being here) is worth making in order to make our goal to come true.
But there's something I've been wanting to tell you. We have becoming the victims of person addiction.
Let me explain.
I love you. I really do and without doubting you, I know that you love me too. I trust that feeling. And this trust will keep us away from becoming jealous which leads to betrayal and from there on to hatred til we can't stand the sight of each other anymore. And only because we loved each other so much and became addicted of one another.
What I'm trying to say is that we have to let go of addiction so we are not stopping each other from evolving and growing as two individuals.
What I'm talking about is the paralysing feeling when one is waiting the other to come home. And that's all we can do. Because we can't function before the other one is close enough. But we must become over that, cos it is not letting us to live, sorry, to enjoy every moment we have on earth.
We have to learn that.
I want you to block out the feeling of anxiety when I'm not around. Then you have two options:
1) come and see me (meet me)
2)or go out and be open to what ever the day has to offer or be creative or productive or just take time for yourself. Indulge in yourself.
Anything but STOP WAITING.
And I'll try to do the same.
I have to admit that this is not easy because I'm constantly thinking of you, wishing you were here. So I could just feel your presence.
But being like this is cutting us out of the rest of the world. I hope you don't take this message in a wrong way. And when we see each other again I hope I can explain more clearly.
I love and can't wait to see you, to hold you, to see your familiar smile, to hear your voice and smell your skin.
Meanwhile.
I'll be up on the North Coast. Perhaps reading my book,
watching the waves.
Maybe meeting someone interesting to talk to.
I don't know.
Maybe I'll take a bottle of wine with me and two glasses (one for you in case you decide to come up there) or just in case someone else comes, so I could share my wine and start up a conversation by offering a glass of wine.
Interaction with other people is so very important as I've learned from the last week or two. I will explain that one to you later on. It involves Charlie and the reason I've met him. And what he has taught me without even realizing it himself.
I've been thinking about him a lot, about our conversations and the amount of time I've spent thinking about him. it was scaring me.
But today I realised why it all had happened. And I can't wait to explain that to you.
Hershe,
I am so grateful that you have let me to love you because love doesn't just happen - love needs to be given a chance..the green light.
If I don't see you on the beach, I will see you in the evening after you finish work.
Think about what I said (wrote) and try to understand what I meant.
The last thing I want to happen to us is us suffocating our love and not meaning to do that.I want to love you consciously and work towards supporting each others personal growth and self discoveries.
Love,
Chica"
that's my letter to Hershe..things didn't turn out as well as I hoped...
to be continued..
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
End of April...already
As you may have noticed - Internet is the biggest deficit in my life at the moment..but fortunately there's plenty of other things to compensate that..such as..ehm..sunshine, the Ocean..dolphins right under my window at work (imagine pouring a pint and watching dolphins playing away..well..actually I had to take out my binoculars and press myself against the window and force myself quiet every time after I screeched with excitement..every time I saw them jumping and diving into the blue Ocean again..but ..you get the picture, don't you?), Herse next to me..with Her constant panic attacks and over pouring love..and yes - it wouldn't be the same without the maturing bloody fantastic sex..which just makes you fucking smile! Few interesting people who keep reappearing on the other side of the bar. An English artist who is expecting a written report on his piece which is hanging in the Abbey..should mention that I haven't actually seen it yet..
and then there's Charlie..oh..Charlie..He's a 32 years old male from England as well..recently survived a horrific car crash, three months in coma and now rewriting his life story. He's a very spellbinding talking partner..and I'm sure that a bystander could entwine the (sexual) energy between us. Which makes the action of discussion even more interesting and passionate. But I know that I'm playing with fire..until he finds out that I'm living with someone. Surely he senses something (or more realistically has heard something) about me and Herse, and he has even failed few attempts to scrutinize about the depth of our relationship. It has been fun and very entertaining.
What else... our boss still abominates Herse..I've given up on trying to start a conversation with my boss.can't be bothered. She's an old miserable c*** who just needs a good fuck to put the bloody smile back on her face. She started working here to her mum when she was 12 years old and that was about forty years ago..still single..no children..
our housemate, Lord Darren, is a pure angel..such a sweet and innocent heart and a good company. He will be missed when we take of to our little trip..
Speaking of which..
So we are flying out on the seventh of June to Portugal, Lisbon. after long nights of calculating (hhahahaha..read out..lifting cans of beer and repeating "we should definitely start planning now.." " Yeah, we should indeed.") we decided to get the flight to Lisbon (cheapest option) and find a pair of used bikes from there. So that's the plan.. And, oh yeah, ordered Europe's road atlas yesterday..
So that's the short description of what has recently happened and just to say, that please do keep on checking my blog. I will detail it up as soon as i can pull myself together and go a bit deeper what's going on in my head..but for now..oh goodness sake - the sun is shining and it's violating my human rights to sit inside..gotta go!!!!!!
and then there's Charlie..oh..Charlie..He's a 32 years old male from England as well..recently survived a horrific car crash, three months in coma and now rewriting his life story. He's a very spellbinding talking partner..and I'm sure that a bystander could entwine the (sexual) energy between us. Which makes the action of discussion even more interesting and passionate. But I know that I'm playing with fire..until he finds out that I'm living with someone. Surely he senses something (or more realistically has heard something) about me and Herse, and he has even failed few attempts to scrutinize about the depth of our relationship. It has been fun and very entertaining.
What else... our boss still abominates Herse..I've given up on trying to start a conversation with my boss.can't be bothered. She's an old miserable c*** who just needs a good fuck to put the bloody smile back on her face. She started working here to her mum when she was 12 years old and that was about forty years ago..still single..no children..
our housemate, Lord Darren, is a pure angel..such a sweet and innocent heart and a good company. He will be missed when we take of to our little trip..
Speaking of which..
So we are flying out on the seventh of June to Portugal, Lisbon. after long nights of calculating (hhahahaha..read out..lifting cans of beer and repeating "we should definitely start planning now.." " Yeah, we should indeed.") we decided to get the flight to Lisbon (cheapest option) and find a pair of used bikes from there. So that's the plan.. And, oh yeah, ordered Europe's road atlas yesterday..
So that's the short description of what has recently happened and just to say, that please do keep on checking my blog. I will detail it up as soon as i can pull myself together and go a bit deeper what's going on in my head..but for now..oh goodness sake - the sun is shining and it's violating my human rights to sit inside..gotta go!!!!!!
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