back in business

Another night. Something something am.

"I hate my bed. I fucking do.."
"Why do you hate your bed?"
"Cos this bloody bed contains only ONE fucking person!"
"Weeeellll..then you basically don't hate your bed but you..."
"I hate! I hate! I hate that goddamned empty bed!!"
"Look at it that way - .."
"I DON'T WANT TO! OH, PLEASE, LET ME JUST HATE MY BED! It's so full of emptiness that it's crushing me, it's pressing me out of my own bed! The joy of being single my ass! I'm telling you!!!!"

So that's how I am when I lack of sleep.

"Just throw the fucker out of the window!!" I can hear a little voice in my head saying. Good heavens - a little voice in my head advises me to throw my own bed out of the window..must get some sleep. Quickly.

And something happened that night. Something magical.
I had A dream and I can sure remember it. Oh jee...
No more ghosts, no more inexplicable silver balls or crack brained jumps from the balcony..
It was a shipwreck. Guess I was trying to cross The Atlantic or something as surreal. A big Storm. After it was all over I could see ..or rather sense that my whole family must have been there as well..somewhere. I looked around - the shore was covered with living corpses. . fading into the distance.
And where the sand and the green grass (greener than I've ever seen) touched - there was a barbed-wire fence. Somehow it seemed to be an unreal hope for me to get to the other side. Then came A PERSON. I THINK it was my little brother or sister but I can't tell for sure. And we tried to find out whether the fence was electrical or not. It was. I placed my jacket on the fence and lifted my brotherslashsister over. The last thing I saw was he/she looking me with terror in his/hers eyes, turning round and running away, to get help..

Alarm. Half awake half sleep I immediately lisped it out to my roommate. Just in case it goes away ..again

Ich möchte zu trinken und ich habe keine Unterwäsche..

So... as I've said before - I've got some sleeping problems. Well, mostly they're called Internet and Coffee but yeah, some difficulties.
Yesterday wasn't an exception. It was already something three am and we were just laying there, laughing our socks off or just staring into the darkness..six hours remaining to start working again..
But we had some ingenious ideas..as usually.
For example: (this one is inspired by our fear of flying). We thought about putting together a collection "The Best of The Worst Flying Songs". I think she is evil enough to do it at least for me..cos I'm going to fly in ten days..today she was already watching the clips about plane crashes in YouTube..in my presence!
Anyway..the "must include" songs should be

Westlife "Flying Without Wings" (at least they would be good at SOMETHING)

Someone with the song " Shake, Shake, Shake"

The Rasmus " FFF-Falling" and "The Funeral Song"

Decyfer Down - Crash (You're going down!)

A N D S O O N!!

I hope they already haven't got that kind of collection!

After talking a bit too much about hospitals and being in a hospital (been there too often..)I accidentally asked her about death..I asked her is she scared of dying and much to my surprise she said: "No.."
After a while (being talking..very passionately..how scared I am of dying) she freaked out and we had to change the subject..

AND THEN!!

I got a brilliant idea from her!
She talked about meeting someone somewhere and this someone happened to be a German not a Someone.

"Excuse me! Can You speak some German?"
"Ehm, sorry, No"
Few moments later..
"Hey..sorry, I lied to You before - I can speak some German. Ich möchte zu trinken und ich habe keine Unterwäsche (I want a drink and I'm not wearing underwear). Which..by the way .. isn't the case right now.."

He grew a bit numb for a second but you have to admit that it must be one of the top ice breakers!
And where did she learn that sentence? From her boyfriend. Apparently it's a vital knowledge when you happen to go to Germany..
And that's where I got my idea from!

If ANYONE happens to read this post - could You, please, write this sentence in the comments area..in your language ("I want a drink and I'm not wearing underwear"
I would like to learn that sentence in as many languages as possible to survive in this cruel jungle ( and it would be nice to see where you're from..)

Come on..don't be shy..

Nightmares versus dreamless sleep

I remember having a few years period of nonstop nightmares. Always the same story.
I still lived in my mum's place. In a huge "spooky castle". Across the road there was another house, an abandoned house where we used to play and build our little cabins. This house was the center of my dreams. I always had to pass the house and I hated it. Truly hated it. I was convinced that the house was haunted.
So my nightmares were usually about this haunted house with all the ghosts who tried to suffocate me or my brother or sister. Or someone close. . . These dreams were so exhausting. Waking up breathless or weak because of the attempted screaming, my throat and chest physically hurting. I felt so faint. Didn't know how long will it last or how long can I bear it..And I was terrified to fall asleep.
One day it just ended. Just like that.
But now! I'm certain that I have dreams every night but I can't remember anything! Absolutely nothing. It's like having a dreamless sleep..every single day..or night.
Don't like it..
And I'm not sure that nightmares are worse than a dreamless sleep...
I want my dreams back! I would accept even A nightmare..
Dreamless sleep seems like a waste. Total waste.

As a matter of fact there used to be three different recurring dreams.

1. Above mentioned nightmares

2. An empty room. Wooden floor, brown. A low and narrow bed in the corner, me laying on it. A number of different size metal globes or ..balls, floating around in the room and I'm trying to touch them. And they are sooooo heavy - even the smaller ones ( pea sized)! They seemed to weigh something like ..ahm..a kilo!

3. My grandma's flat, top floor ( three-storeyed house). Me standing on the balcony ( you should know that I'm scared of heights..) and..jumping down! Then running back up and jumping again! And so on and on. And every time on the way down I'm thinking: " Why?????!!!!"

But yeah..would like to have something new..or just something on my late night program. Otherwise my nocturnal life is pointless!

Never alone

Even if you can't see anyone standing next to you, it doesn't mean you're alone - there's always someone in your heart..or some voices in your head..never alone

Sometimes I really surprise myself

After work, as a routine -a cup of tea, checking emails and so on..Logged myself in, was scrolling up and down my profile and suddenly my eyes stopped in something..something rather peculiar - my age.

Age: 24

"What's that??!!" For a second I thought that I had written my date of birth wrong. For quite a long time I've been presenting myself as someone who's 25! I know, I know - it's not a big deal! But it feels strange if you doubt in your own age...and I remember telling someone off (not seriously of course) for pretending to be older..I guess we're even now..
Well, anyway - congratulation to me - I just gained another year! All I have to do now is to think what to do with it..

FlasH BacK

Just writing down some places I've been before my grey matter swallows them forever..

Latvia
One summer.It was warm, sunny. I was a part of a roadster fan club. Too much alcohol, can't remember much. I think we were a bit too loud. Lots of barbecuing..

Slovakia
School trip. Looong time ago. Can't remember much. Salt mines, castles..

Czech Republic
Still remember one of the nights like it all happened yesterday. It was a school trip and we were in Prague. Stayed in an university dorm. After my friend decided to go to sleep we went out with some other people. Undying memory of fire juggling street performers..
We met some people who had a camp fire and a beer keg between the dorms. Almost missed our group in the morning..but witnessed the sun rise above the city..

Poland
Poland was just an accident. I was stopped there briefly while I was going to Germany because they couldn't find any resemblance between the picture in my passport and..well- myself..Spent the night in the Polish police station ..interrogation, frisking. Lots of fun...

Germany
Germany.. just happened. My teacher managed to piss me off so badly that I left the school in the middle of the day and hitchhiked to Germany. Stopped longer in Riga and..the Poland incident. But fortunately I was back after a week and went back to school..after two weeks.. like nothing ever happened. No one ever mentioned anything.

Finland
I've been in Finland twice.
Once I was participating in a handicraft market. We stayed for five days. Good memories.Long nights.. ;)
The other time we went there four of us. Even better memories. Unfortunately had a few memory gaps because of the smorgasbord where we got in for free because someone new someone etc etc and it happened to include free drinks which I had to consume to decrease my fear caused by the strongly swaying boat..

How I became a single mum..

So this is it..I'm a parent now. A single mum...
Today, 21.01.2010, a new soul came into my life. He must be the best thing ever happened to me.
Goodness, look at him, he's only few hours old and already having his first cigarette and a proper meal and..and his cutting his own toe nails!! What a perfect son!

Let me tell you a story how he came into my life

On the second of October 2009 a dear friend came to England. She didn't come to visit, she came to stay..for a while. And , well you know how these things just..HAPPEN..one thing leads to another and..
Anyway - between unpacking, drinking her first tea in England and catching up with the latest, it all happened. I wasn't expecting it, I wasn't even ready. Jesus, if I think about it back now - I think I even hadn't shaved my legs..
She looked straight into my eyes and handed me these things. Without these things he wouldn't be here right now..She handed me a pair of colourful striped woollen bobby-sox!
She had made those by herself!
The affection was slow to grow because of me not being the biggest fan of woollen stuff. At first they lived in my drawer, then day by day they got closer..I started to wear them. The winter came, cold and loneliness sneaked into my heart and I fell in love with them. After I slept with them..with both of them..
Everything was perfect - I was happy again, I wasn't freezing anymore and most of all - I wasn't alone anymore! We spent all our nights together. As a big happy family..
Until this fatal day..when I decided to do my laundry and being lazy enough my socks found themselves trapped inside of a deadly washing machine..they shrank..the size decreased three times..they were gone..
And all I could hear my friend saying, the creator of these magical things, was: " Shame..."
We went to bed. It was the longest night..
On the next day my friend decided to bring them back to life..I was sceptical until I saw her working..the scissors were crackling, thread was running, fluff was hovering over her head and after an hour - HE WAS BORN!
A sock monkey made by Anu - Smonkey Nuna! My precious!!!
He will be my travel buddy, he will come everywhere with me. I will never leave him..
Only me and him. Together we will conquer the world! Me and Smonkey Nuna

How I discovered that I'm on time

Oh jee..The Big Freeze..fucking hate it. Get over it. I did.

Don't get me wrong - I love the snow, I'm used to it.

I'd rather have -15 and -20 with crunchy snow than something in between that's not cold nor warm and is rather wet than dry..AS LONG AS IT'S WARM INSIDE! Which wasn't the case in my situation. The place is just a big freezer with nice decorations.

But anyway..my friend went back home for the holiday..on New Year's Eve and I had two options:

1. to stay in England and get a brain damage (loneliness, cold, empty house, too many thoughts on my own, lack of wine etc)

2. to do the first thing that comes into my head..which I did. Fortunately

I had a glass of wine and checked my bank account..hmm..60 pounds. OK.. at least it's something

Next step. The cheapest airline..Bmibaby. OK. and the cheapest destination..Malaga in Spain.

Why not!

I booked my flight (something 53 pounds), set myself comfortably in the armchair. Closed my eyes and imagined myself walking by the coast and enjoying the Sun.

After a while I started to think about the reality - accommodation, food, transport , weather etc. Short conclusion - I needed more money! That's when a loving and caring brother came really handy ;)

The morning of departure. 6 o'clock in the morning, crunchy snow, -14 degrees. Bright moon.
Waiting for my lift to the airport.

Landed in Malaga at lunchtime. And I knew that I'll have some rainy days in Spain and it wouldn't be the warmest time to visit it but I was still excited (never been in Spain before) and it was WARM!!

I headed for the city center to buy a map. Then I looked for some cigarettes and found a nice place in the park where I could concentrate on my map and develop a plan. To be honest I didn't even know where I was situating on the map so I started to ask people to point out my location (always reminding myself Nomadic Matt's suggestion - communicate with locals!).

Finally I ended up with a jobless guy originally from Morocco who was just killing his time in the park and he offered himself to show me around. Deal! Though he was a bit weird..ah, what the heck..

Found the Western Union I needed and then had few drinks in a typical Spanish bar..Thank God you can smoke inside!

After sharing our life stories he helped me to find my hostel and we agreed to meet the next day at four in the same place.

"The Melting Pot" was my home for these next days. And I can ensure that it was my best hostel experience ever! Not because of the building or the service or whatever you could expect but because of the people, because of the atmosphere ( or maybe it was because it was my first hostel experience..that kind of..). Soon one of my room mates renamed the place - "The Home of Broken Hearts" . After listening to every one's stories it was fare enough (a divorcing bloke from Belgium, runaway from UK, cheated one from Italy and so on..).
For making my little trip unforgettable many thanks to: Emma (what a character!), Brian (hmm jee, would've liked to get to know him a bit more ;) Adrian (can you really smile so much and be positive all the time??!!), Marcus (The Big Man who still owns me his story), Gabriele (Chico - I cross my fingers for him so he could find a way to keep him on the road), Ramon (The Snoring Brazilian guy who presented me in a bar as his pregnant wife who strongly needed toilet, sorry about my beyond control behaviour) and of course The Dancing Koreans! Tomaš (The Free Soul from Czech) and Miloud (thank you for showing me around and thanks for the beer!)
Incredible staff: Ludo (The Shot Master), Sami (The Hugging Singer), George!!!!!!!! (The Master Chef!), Eduardo (who had to stay up all night to hammer out some tension caused by an innocent pillow) and The Breakfast Lady ( never asked her name..)

First night - I passed out at ten.

Second day

Opened my eyes and examined the room - six bunk beds.a girl.and few fellows. Quick shower, breakfast (lucky me that breakfast was included because my food supplies consisted a pack of mature cheese, bread rolls and a pack of digestive biscuits ).
Short introduction with everyone, got some friendly advise etc and headed for the coast.
Had an amazing walk by the coast for ..aahm..three or four hours maybe..
Lunch and to the down town.
I love these narrow streets. After a while I was standing in the front of the Cathedral. A big one. Stepped in the garden to take some pictures and then I met my local guide NR 2 - Tomaš from Czech Republic. A street performer and a squatter with a dog. Well, despite the fact that he was mostly high and we couldn't understand each other perfectly it was an interesting day.
We went to the Alcazaba (The Alcazaba is a Moorish fortification in Málaga, southern Spain. Created from the 8th century, much of it was built around the middle of the 11th century for King Badis of Granada, to serve as the palace of the governors of the city. It is the best-preserved alcazaba (from the Arabic al-qasbah, قصبة, meaning "citadel") in Spain. Next to the entrance to the Alcazaba are the ruins of a Roman theatre dating to the 2nd century which is undergoing restoration. Some of the Roman materials were used in the construction of the Alcazaba).
I foot the bill and his task was to do the guiding stuff. So, after sneaking in with a dog (not allowed), being breathless by the view from up there , we sat on the wall ( it always seemed to be the smoke o'clock) and just enjoyed and chat.
Later on walked up to the Gibralfaro Castle, viewing platforms, footpaths and to his residence (literally). Huge abandoned house basically in the city center! For free! He's sharing the house with eight other squatters.. And they all seemed to have dogs..
He had to go to do his business on the streets and for me it was time for a quick snack and a shower. My legs were already killing me but I did not care. He said he'll be waiting nine o'clock. I didn't promise anything.
Oh jee..didn't go to meet my local guide NR 1..well. I went but changed my mind and left just before four. I like strange people..but I couldn't figure out - was he too strange or wasn't he strange enough..
Met Tomaš again in the evening. I followed the sweet melody of his flute and found him. He was freezing. Went to his friends place ( I told you - I'm imprudent and careless..and always in trouble).
Briefly - me in a flat with three strangers who were constantly smoking joint. Tea. Lots of cigarettes and a movie ("Number Nine"). Wasn't convinced that they understood..Nice people though..
Back to the hostel. Gathered in the common room ( with a bar :) ), spent the evening drinking Sangria with a lovely lady from US and a girl from UK (for her the keyword was the laughter.fantastic girl). Met some amazing people. Brian, Emma, Ludo, Adrian..can't remember any more names ( guess I'm not a spring chicken anymore-memory is starting to fail me)..

Day three

I was wandering around the city with a Brazilian guy from the hostel. He had a special relationship with the city. Apparently his ancestors were in the orphanage house there and then moved to Brazil. So it was a really educating sightseeing trip that day. Went to see the house, another cathedral, looked up Picasso's birthplace and so on. And again - climbed up to the Gibralfaro!
Back in the hostel I discovered a new face from our room - chico Gabriele from Italy! A guy who will never forgive me that I dared to mention that he speaks like Borat...Cos we were planning to go out with others the first thing I did (instead of introducing myself) I asked him to join us.
12.00 am. Our barman Ludo (the master of shots!) takes us out to Shamrock. Never been in a place like this. Highly recommend if you are looking for something local, cheap and fun (best place for shots..list on the wall showed over a hundred different shots to choose from..one shot - one Euro.Not bad). The place was packed and visibility subzero ( smoking indoors allowed).
Then we head for the club. Entrance was ten euros..but we had The magic man Ludo - got in for free). It was a typical "meat market" -gorgeous Spanish women in their fancy dresses lined up for a lucky pick..No one (except us) seemed to dance..and I mean DANCE not just slightly moving your feet from one side to the other.
Anyway..it wasn't my cup of tea but while some of us went back to Shamrock I decided to stay for a while (love dancing!) with two Korean lads from the hostel. After half an hour I was desperate to go back and find the others (Brian, Gabriele aka Chico and Ludo).
Left the club. Bewildered standing on the door..of course I didn't bring my classes and at that time I couldn't remember the name of the place..So I just started to ask other bouncers..I managed to find a door that had a familiar word above it and when I stepped in, it looked exactly the same only smaller. Back out and I tried to explain the bouncers that I'm looking for a place that looks the same but is bigger..They did not speak English..oh, we had some fun. Eventually they just started to name the places and after seven names I got the right one..and surprise, surprise - it was just around the corner..
I found others. Back in the hostel five in the morning....And had to get up early to go to the market with Brian, Adrian and Emma. Forlorn hope? :)

Day four

"Must remain horizontal, must remain horizontal.." that was my only thought..
I managed to pull myself together..acknowledged the fact that the room was full of Germans.
Breakfast. While waiting for others I met The Big Man. Marcus was from Belgium. Originally from US. Knew more about my country than I did..Interesting person. "Have to come back to this project..) I thought.
So we spent the day in a rainy market. I really wanted to see it because I like contrast and it was a good chance to see the contrast between the down town (where money is literally walking on the main street) and the local market. It was worth it. I didn't buy anything but it was a nice dose of local culture..
My feet were killing me..
We were soaking wet, had a cup of tea and went to the Picasso Museum. Absolutely loved it.
It started to get dark and we wanted to go to the Alcazaba ..again..because it was for free that day..human nature :) Anyway.we got locked in there! But I have to say that it was far more interesting like this. At some point a man came with a torch and he led us out through high tech tunnels and elevators etc (in an old fortress!!??). FANTASTIC
Back in the hostel nice evening with a guitar music (Brian) and dear Sami - the only song writer in the family - shared his talent.
My attempt to fall asleep was accompanied by the snoring Brazilian. For goodness sake, I was so close to strangle him!

Day five

Beach! Beach! Beach!

Well it was only warm enough to stick our toes in the cold water but we were all happy and satisfied. THE SUN, Brian, Adrian, The Big Man and Chico.
After the sun therapy we went for a Spanish meal. I didn't have anything because I didn't have any money left what so ever and I didn't want them to buy me one.. so though I was already quite week after four days of hostel breakfast and that fucking cheese (which became even hard to look at :) )!!!
The Big Man went back to the hostel ( he wasn't well at all), Adrian and Brian went to the Cathedral and I was waiting for them outside with Chico. It was the first time I started to get to know him more ( can't count the bar trip).
We were killing time by juggling with oranges. We were awesome!!! HAAHHHAAHAA. Ok, OK. pathetic - but at least we had fun!
After two hours we understood that we had missed Brian and Adrian at some point..
So we went to the Piccasso's birthplace..it was supposed to be for free as well that day. But somehow it wasn't. Chico bought me a ticket and we went anyway. Pictures, Pictures..and a movie!! AAJEE!! I think we watched it like..six..times..don't judge us - it was warm in there and our feet were killing us and it was funny..We really got into it :)
When we were just about to go out again we found out that there's a hole second floor as well to explore.
So ..me and Chico..two strangers with high expectations and serious faces paced up to the first floor, entered the first room and when we SAW the first piece of ART by PICASSO..we just looked at each other and burst out laughing and we couldn't stop anymore..Jesus fucking Christ..

After pulling ourselves together we managed to flip through everything and decided that he deserves his name ;)
And once again - up to the Gibralfaro Castle!!!
It was already dark and the view was ..well..I just can't describe it.
We sat there with our cigarettes and all of a sudden everything became so clear. Like sometimes you just have to talk things through to make them clear..
And that was the night I actually understood that I wasn't in a hurry - screw all these degrees, businesses and careers that every one seems to be in such a hurry to achieve! The money, the things and all this bullshit their after..and I was after..it's all just an illusion. God damn illusion!
I realised it after Chico said : " I' m on time. This is my time." And he was so right! At that moment I had something that money couldn't buy - I was happy and I felt so free! I was proud and pleased and..just happy. I'm not in a hurry anymore. This is my time..
In my mind I thank him ever so much for that evening.

Had to go back to the hostel because Brian and Adrian were supposed to leave and I wished to see them before they were going to take off.
Lucky for me they were still there, I gave Brian a big hug (don't know why, I just felt like it) and he said that they're leaving in an hour.
Quick shower ( walking around all day in the same clothes and shoes makes me feel really, really disgusting ) and when I came back down I heard that they are staying for another night. So our last night there...
Wine, guitar and a good company..what more can you ask from life?!! :)
Briefly- at some point, some how we ended up cuddled in my bed..and..it started again..the bloody Brazilian!!! I swear - the windows were rattling!!
I took my pillow and sent it towards him..big mistake.. my companion was removed from my room. But..it was silent and I could sleep again!!! Hallelujah - I passed out in five minutes...

Day six

Had to woke up early because I had to fly back to England. AARGGHH!! I was so close to call my boss and announce him that my plane crushed and I'm dead and I can't make it back..
I packed my stuff, kissed Chico goodbye and went downstairs.
Emma and The Big Man looked like shit! And then I heard all about the drama that was going on while I was blissfully sleeping upstairs:
The snoring Brazilian woke up after the contact with my pillow and made a complaint. And there had been an all night lasting arguing. The Snoring lad was accusing Brian that he tried to kill him with a pillow!!! Give me a break!
So I looked him up, he was just about to leave and I apologised to him from the bottom of my heart, explaining that it was me who threw the pillow and I did it only because I wanted some silence in the room!!! I never meant to hurt him :)
Well anyway, my behaviour was claimed to be the thing called violence.. and one day it all comes back to me..what goes around that comes around..
So - from that trip I learned that I'm on time and one day I will get killed by a falling pillow from the sky..or something like that..

Said goodbye to to The Big Man, Emma, Adrian and Brian. I was sad but I knew that it was the right step towards becoming a better person, becoming to understand myself. This trip proved me once again that this is my thing, my dream, this is me..a vagabond.

By the time I got on the plane I was exhausted and baffled. I was aware that I'm going on the road again, I have to. But we had a plan. Me and my friend - we were supposed to go together..in August.
I was baffled because I knew that I have to confront her and tell her that I'm going on my own..

What the heck am I doing?!

My current situation: sharing a room with a smart ass who thinks she understands everything on the god damn planet and that she can solve all the problems with a bloody plan! and ..and who happens to be my best friend. A friend whose existence I've always taken for granted. I can't stand her and I can't stand being without her. She is the rational part of me that The Almighty forgot to add to the mixture he used to create me.
Our room is small, the room is too small. And cold. Small, cold and far far away from home..
Where is my home? Or to be accurate - where was my home?
Well, I used to live in a small country in Eastern Europe. Cold winters, hot summers, lots of alcohol abuse, suicides, poverty, hypocrisy, crime, beaches, illusions and dreams. Yeah, yeah..I like to exaggerate a bit.
When I started grow my pubes I also started to rebel and wander. Hitchhiking, drinking, skipping school and just being imprudent and over spontaneous led me from one thing to another till I got sober and discovered that I'm 17, playing home with a ten years older homophobic racist who had a heart of gold and I had screwed up my studies.
By the time my shameful but not regrettable past(because otherwise I wouldn't be the person I am..and anyway regret is a very useless emotion) became a vague memory replaced by washing up, cleaning, working and school. Then I realised that there has to be more in life. There has to be MORE!
I was happy - I had a home, I had a caring partner (despite that he was a bit over protective and we had different views about a properly functioning relationship), I was catching up with my lessons, I still had fun. Fantastic in-laws! But that wasn't enough and I didn't know what was missing..
There were too many occasions when I escaped to the shadows of dark forests or found myself roaming..not having a clue where or why..
And somehow I managed to get myself into a big trouble by having some kind of insidious feelings against to my dear friend..who happened to be my partner's friend and soon a father-to-be..
It was the decision time. The situation became unbearable. The borders became unbearable..
After five years of steady relationship I finally did it. I started to head for my dream - the ultimate freedom! My Holy Grail.
I left my work..my home, my pets..I left Him and all the others who cared about me..or who said they cared.. Call me selfish.
My head is my bank, my feelings are my friends, my feet are my transport and my heart is my home. My assets fit in a back bag and the memories of my scandalous trips pushed me out of my door, leaving everything behind. I had to put my own happiness above others.
I have a smile on my face. A big and creepy smile..

"People sink out of sight, drown in the shadows of closer things" (J. Fowles " The French Lieutenant's Women"
And the same happened to me. I stepped out of sight and saw who and what was real. Not many and not much..

I ended up in England. Have to move on. I know that there's nothing that would stop me from keeping going.
I don't know where I'm going
I don't know for how long I'll keep wandering
And above all - I haven't got any clue whether the ultimate freedom I'm so desperate to find and experience will finally tame me..