so close and yet so far

It's not the matter of whether HE exists or not. It's the matter of believing. and I came to a terrible realisation that if it' s the matter of believing then it's the matter of imagination..and if it's the matter of imagination...then... "Everything you can imagine is real" ...

And then comes the little paradox..I imagine, therefore it's real. But it's only my imagination..then it does not exist!!

And I had some hope that if I could find a way to believe, my existential anxiety would fade away..but now - it's even worse!! There's no point! even the necessity to discuss whether He exists or not has no point anymore..

Have to start all over again..

point, please?

argh..too many people around me..too many. I love people, couldn't survive without them..and yet I can't stand them.. they're everywhere...their breeeding and multiplying and gathering triple as fast as love sick rabbits..and it's summer and they're all smiling and being merry and jolly and weird..smiling..weird..happy...weird..together...weird..in pairs..weird..

and I'm .. weird...merry..and happy..and jolly as well..but..on my own

It must be the sunburn talking..Gardening..sun..

I was just wondering what if we're like weeds..weeds to someone greater..who just plucks us out whenever one chooses.how terrrible and frightening..and pointless..I think I'm starting to loose a bit of motivation..being an ant in this world is ..nothing..being a passer by in this world..is really quite nothing..

I see happy mothers doing their shopping and fathers walking in the gas station with a paper under their arm..

Children going to the school.

people stopping in the streets and talking to one another

girls selling tin beans in Tesco

couples trying to pick the right furniture for their new home..with a wonderful mortgage

I see myself making up bed in the morning

life is ..oh..what is it?

why am I here?

what am I supposed to do?

go with the flow?

You know..like you where in the airport for the very first time..a bit confused and lost..and a bit lonely and you just went with the flow..till you got outside into the fresh air..

feels a bit like this. But will there be this revivifying breeze waiting for me..

sometimes I have this "Sunday morning with pancakes" feeling..when everything feels so good and so right. Sunday morning with pancakes always feels so ..so..right. when the sun is playing on the floor and drawing patterns on the wall

then it's peaceful and then the time stops

but on all the other occasions time doesn't stop..it keeps ticking an ticking and it's frightening..because sometimes even best watches stop ticking and then they will be sent straight into the bin..where all the other ticking stop thingies are waiting..

Is there something I'm supposed to be doing?

Have I missed something?

Will I really be doing the same thing for hundred years ..OK..OK..maybe for 78 years..day after day?!

Waking up in the morning

Eating

shitting

working

eating

shitting

working

socialising

eating

shitting

sleeping

waking up in the morning

eating

...

Please tell me that I've missed something and there's actually a point somewhere

Like some people hate just going for a walk because there's no purpose for it..well..what about life then..isn't it like a long walk.. a wander around..without a purpose..in a matter of individual?

The Past

Are we chasing the Past..or is the Past chasing us?

the frog business and Ron Terada

the frog business didn't work out

I was waiting by the window for three days..no Prince

not even a Joker

So I'm solemnly digging into secrets of social work and probation..to keep myself away from myself.

The only one who's not letting go of me is Ron Terada. Is he my Prince?!

In some peculiar and unfathomable reason I keep going back to Ikon. To MR Terada. And after re-examining his Goldstein work.. more questions arose. On one canvas, there's a dot missing. a dot from a letter i..in a word strip. And a word naive has two dots.. Was it coincidental? Was it volitional?

What are those dots doing wandering around like this..

Did one dot went to visit the other one or did Mr Terada just FORGOT to add a dot on i?!

I was shown the original text and the dot was there!!!

Oh, Mulder and Scully- I need help..or was it A-Team's playground..

all the princes in the world..

Yesterday I kissed a frog. In the garden. To its lips..or somewhere in the nearby location

Nothing happened.

Well, they did send us a new lad from Germany..but..he's nothing close to what I asked and strongly prayed for-he reminds me of my brother and that's just creepy..

So I kissed another one today

So far..still nothing.

“If the human brain were simple enough for us to understand, we would be too simple to understand it”

this quote and the limits of human reasoning have been the subjects of the day. After a fierce discussion I found myself so utterly utterly satisfied. It feels as being in love. The ability to use our reason is as good as being in love.

Has human reason got limits? Could you fit it in a box, could you fully comprehend human reason..or human brain?

I don't think so...today..

As long as our brain has "dark corners" , we are still using our brain...or our reason, to lighten those corners. What if there wouldn't be any more dark corners..well...then there will be some other things to figure out and if there's some other things to figure out, it means that we are still creating those other things with our reason and with the same reason we are trying to comprehend them.

For example.. humans were able to lighten things about the Stars and about the Moon and the Sky without even using telescopes..they did it by using their reason..so after they had discovered those things..new aspects appeared to discover and so on and on..so it's like a never ending braid..

and if one day someone would accidentally know everything (and I mean absolutely everything)..then this person most probably wouldn't know that he knows everything..therefore..he actually wouldn't know everything

Friday night

I'm a single young woman. Wouldn't say that I'm esthetically challenged, if challenged..then maybe a bit mentally..but hey-who isn't!!??!!

Definitely still below my expiry date..

And how do I spend my Friday night- with a cup of tea in Mac...(which I despise..btw..) and a cheap cream cake (unknown origin)...and a middle aged gay man friend who thinks he is being eavesdropped..and that someone is controlling his mind and life...and his logorrhea..olllallaa..and I thought that I talk too much! Somehow he tends to think that I need to know every single tiny detail about his sexual life. OH.. WHY, LORD?! WHY!

But bless him..we all have our down moments..and I know how good it is when you have someone to rely on..someone to talk to.

Must dive back into a normal social life..brrrr..

What is a NORMAL SOCIAL LIFE?

some things need further investigation..

Back to Ron Terada

Having said that he just didn't float my boat, was an underestimation, a nice and polite why to say that I didn't understand. That I wasn't bothered to understand. So when we went back there, I took it as my mission to get to know his work, his message. I wasn't going to give up so easily!

Tortured the staff, debated, listened, asked and contemplated, I left contentedly , knowing that Ron Terada's work needs a closer look, needs time, needs some questions. And therefore his exhibition is even more challenging than Susan Collis's .

And after everything I kinda like it. Hmm..how bizarre...