we'll meet again

There's something I've been postponing to write down for days. It's about a very dear person in my life, the dearest friend I've ever had. You might recall her from my very first entry .

As she came to Scotland , she met someone and this someone turned out to be a real Someone. not just anyone but The One..if you know what I mean..
From there on she has been trying to visualize him to me over the phone and messages and Skype..and the picture I created in my mind wasn't the nicest one I could have wished for her..but...then again-it's her choice in the end..and as long as she's happy - I'm happy!
Maybe I was just doing my regular subconscious jealousy trick (can I still call it subconscious when I'm quite aware of it?)..You see..first there was only two people who really understood her, who had her as their own..I know it sounds a bit bitter and not very right..
And one of them was me, will always be me...and having the other participant out of sight (due to the changing chemistry in our bodies and minds)..for a while - there was only me..And Me only!
And I liked it. She means a lot to me.
Does that sound very bad..
And then came The Third Think-I-Know-You-As-Well..And I didn't like that. Not at all...For me it equals - she doesn't need me anymore..which is not a very pleasant feeling and I know it's not true either and I'm being very selfish thinking like this..
But I can't really help myself having those thoughts.

By now the situation between two of them has dramatically developed into something rather ..solid and the love birds are going to spread their wings and take off to a little euro trip. . .
so I went down to Glasgow to check the guy out and to see her. Cos, God knows when I'll see her again..haha well actually I think quite soon..somewhere in Europe ;)
Anyway
See, that's the problem..I'm quite lost in here.I don't know what to say..or what to think..You know when someone is so obvious or so..designated to be part of your life, it doesn't feel as if I've lost her now. I know for sure that she's a keeper..even independent of my will.
It's like having a sister going on a holiday..but she'll be back one day and then we'll catch up and have a cup of tea and get very nostalgic and then tell each other how we're like old folks and so on. There is no pretending between us.

That's it!!!
She's not just a friend.
She is much more than that.
She is part of my family.And if I think about it - has always been. And you can't change your family members, they will always stay!

I will miss you, Anu and hope to see you soon and of course your absolutely lovely, gentle, sincere and fun partner!!!
Wish You unforgettable trip and take care of each other :)

attic nights

was late for work ..again. Half an hour. Still a bit affected by the glorious juice of Gods. But it was all for a good cause. Helping out an attic mate is the ultimate explanation for not making it to work on time.
Was lying on my bed..no..actually I think I was even asleep. 2 am. Someone's banging on my door. I knew straight away the scenario of next few hours..Wearily I drag myself out of bed and tell him to give me two minutes. He - is the attic mate to who I refer to in my December 2010 entry "Monster diaries" the Scottish lad with BB obsession. To keep things simple - I shall call him BB Boy.
So ..BB Boy was drunk. Very drunk. And when BB Boy is drunk , he cries, he smashes up everything, he wants to fight, he drinks more and a bit more and then he cries a bit more and hugs you a lot and tells you how much he cares about you and so on and on. oh yeah..and he usually takes off most of his clothes .

Latest redecoration that BB Boy has done in his room:

teared out the lamp (the very important one that hangs out of your ceiling and provides you with majority of the light you need)

Irregular number of holes in the wall made by either his head, fists, feet or spuds..well the spud ones might have been made by me.

Smashed the glass cover on his table

Knifed his walls

Stabbed his TV. Fortunately the damage is not immeasurable

OK. I think you can see the point already. He is so full of rage and anger, He grinds his teeth and .. well.. he's just so tense and wants to knife everyone.

So I spent the night in his room, drinking quite alright red wine, smoking hell of a lot cigarettes, listening and trying to convince him that hi is not a bad guy.
Finally at about five am I went to bed.. had to start working seven..Didn't make it. And the thing I hate about it is that I don't feel very guilty anymore and that's not good. Not good at all. I used to be a very responsible person..

so I got to work, worked two hours, had breakfast and went back to bed. Woke up again at five pm. Had a shower, dinner and played poker with staff and some of the guests. I lost my money but I wasn't doing very bad at all. There was nine of us and I was in the last three of us.
To cut the crap - after all these recreational activities I retired back to my ..sorry ..back to Her bedroom (She is away and my room seems too solitary to spend time there on my own) and drowned into my book.
BB Boy wasn't in the poker table, we couldn't find him anywhere. I knew where he was. And I knew how the night is going to be.
At 00.00 am I heard him dashing in, knocking down everything that got in his way..I waited patiently..But he was too fucked to make it upstairs and I felt very sorry for the others who have bedroom downstairs. Now I heard him shouting my name and I put on my shoes ad went to get him. He was pretty FUCKED.
He was flailing about and he was also armed with a knife, a walking stick and a pair of narrow scissors.
standing there on the stairs in the middle of the night watching someone stabbing imaginary enemies and killing a mop bucket with a walking stick made me realize that I'm not the only one with issues..we're all in this together. the entire human race is the bloody race of fucking issues.
I took the knife off of him and pushed him upstairs, convoyed by his bawling.
After smashing up some more things in his room, attempting to eat a peace of broken glass and burning himself with a cigarette and having black eye from my head by trying to wrestle me down , he landed on his bed.
I sat down on the floor and rested against the radiator on the wall.
There he was..BB Boy ..25 years old..yelling and thrashing around in his bed...biffing his pillows and walls and envisioned creatures..howling and scratching himself..he couldn't see anything, don't think he even new where he was..
after an hour he kinda calmed down a bit and was doing something in between sobbing and air fighting .except he didn't have much energy left to fully move his arms and legs.

I was just sitting there and watching him.. I have to admit that it was a bit funny but most of all it was just so very sad.

Just few days earlier he had written on his facebook wall: "gona start bein healthy,cut out drinkin to a minimum,someone special has made me think long n hard and if they care that much so should i.and a thank that person for letting me know that they care.and things will be different.x " ....


Don't think he cares much about himself..he's the kind of person who first needs to be taken care of in order to start seeing himself and taking care of someone.

at the moment he has no purpose..and he knows that ..and it's killing him..
a man without a purpose
and he's not the kind of man who would fabricate a purpose to wake up for in the morning...

Until then..the attic nights will remain the same. And the nights like these are my purpose. And this sad little figure who looked like a lost boy yesterday, just a little boy ..he might be the saddest creature in the night but he's my attic mate and I'll always be there for him..be it 0.0 or 5.00 am..
We are each others support..each and every one of us in the attic. We're the most different people to have met in regular circumstances..but up here ..we're quite a bit lonely and I think that's the reason we cling to each other. Tho we would never admit our weakness of loneliness..

Regina Spektor - Laughing with lyrics

can't I simply have a decent lunch..

It seems that for me, there is no such thing as simply doing something simple..always and I say - ALWAYS there is an intervention of some sort of outer forces which do not want me to ..just to do stuff.
A good example from last week
So
we were having few drinks in The Attic a day before . . .oh..God..too many of my stories start like this..
Anyway.
pro re nata of our previous night's activities we felt hungry as wolves and decided to go to town for lunch.
Did we simply take a bus ride down there? Of course not. we obviously missed the bus and therefore had to crab few drinks from the garage and started hitch hiking..well..By the time the bus picked us up from A Village, we had nearly finished our assortment of drinks. Don't think I have to mention that we weren't drinking tea and hot chocolate..
We got to town..but it was far too late for lunch and besides, we had microwaved oven pies in a borderline tiny miniature garage..so we abandoned the idea of having a decent meal and headed for the pub.
OK. at this point I should mention that seven am the next day - me - working. our guy - six thirty am.
She was the only one who had a day off the following day..
So we planned to take the last bus back..we even had return tickets..how very thoughtful.
Then things got a bit blurry..She was stoned as hell and our guy couldn't even focus on his own shadow and I was asked to marry. At this point we had already agreed to stay overnight at his parents place and to take some kind of a six am bus..Which, as it turned out later on..didn't even exist.
In one word : everyone got drunk, all the men suddenly disappeared when they realised that the majority of fun lovers in the pub were a bit gay-ish.at least the female ones. Plus the barman and a little fella who confessed to be bi and who turned out to be very useful.
Anyhow...
Our guy had disappeared..I was oblivious to time but it must have been 1 am or something like that.
From there on we tried all sorts of things..including:

Staying overnight in the train station..why do they close them for the night??!!

hitch hiking back ..unsuccessfully

taking a taxi..no one didn't seem to be interested in our deal to get home with 20 quid instead of sixty..strange..

getting a room in a B&B..would you let two drunkards in a B&B at something am am ?

jumping in the clothes donation booth...She really tried..a bit too small opening tho...something for the council to think about..could save a lot of unnecessary hypothermia deaths.

And then came along the useful Bi boy from pub, who gave us his jumpers and jacket..pulling a very brave face in the frost..in a T-Shirt in the middle of the night...after an hour he found a place for us at his sisters lovely council flat..
Please, don't get me wrong, I am most grateful that we got out of cold and we had a safe place to stay but , Jesus fucking Christ, the place was such a dump..with cats and a baby in the household! I mean it wasn't the cats and a baby that made the place a dump..it just really was.. A Dump. After rummaging the kitchen I couldn't stop noticing three random eggs and about 14 beers in the fridge..and that was just about it..in a household with a baby..interesting..
She collapsed on the sofa the moment we entered the flat, sounding like a broken record: "Baby girl, I love you..I love You, baby girl". She was fucked, truly fucked.
We stayed in the kitchen for a while, drunk milk and warmed up....something..something we found in the microwave.
About three am I forced Her to turn Herself into a stripe..a very narrow stripe so I could close my eyes as well for few ours..Little fella slept in the armchair next to us.
Were we sober in the morning? Absolutely...not.
Tried to call to work but I had no credit on my phone, plus my bank account was empty cos I took all my money out which I very smartly placed in my bag in the pub and left the bag occasionally unattended on the table..Got rid of abut 50 quid..my bad
She had left Her phone at home and He didn't have any credit either.. So I dropped the idea of calling and explaining why they won't see me at work at least for another three hours..

Fortunately I still had 20 quid in my pocket and we got on the bus..the only word coming out from our mouths on the bus was cat wee. I can only imagine the smell we emanated.
..back in the hotel..walked straight into our manager who was cooking in the kitchen ... .and blamed everything on our guy who ..surprise, surprise hadn't showed up either..
I was sent to bed..
Didn't argue with him.

So there it is.
We simply went for lunch..


OK, OK I'll let go of that but I do have quite a lot of observations from that night..how I first saw Her life and the difference between our lives, what it felt like to be with a girl publicly and the comments from the bystanders. but I'll have to come back to them.

struggling to work today.. I'm on an hour break..my legs are like macaroni's..have slept only few hours...Cleaning the toilets seven in the morning must be the most depressing job ever..shall check the suicide rate amongst the toilet cleaning nation.
I thought I got a pretty good deal when coming back - got more opportunities to do the front of house but it all has a price to pay..and it seems that I'm doomed to scrub the toilets seven in the morning til the eternal flames fade..
It took me twice the time to do my job..I'm not even sure what i was doing ..my mind was working so intensely that it was almost as if I was just following someone..someone very annoying with a mop in her hand..While mopping behind the bar I remembered a thought from yesterday while we were having few drinks upstairs before going to bed..She wasn't there but we talked about Her and I disappeared to my own world for a moment and was thinking that I even like how they say Her name..and I remembered it it the morning - I even like how people say Her name..how sad is that!! ;)
I'm screwed...

pleasures of rainy days

It's been another rainy day with a blinded window in the hotel attic. feels good to be back. We've spent the whole morning in bed..or rather on a mattress on the floor..And I just caught myself wondering that we were so close to give it all up..because it all got a little bit too complicated or too enjoyable..or whatever happened..how silly can people be! As soon as things get ..eehmm.good we want to end it all. What the fucking stupid ideas we can come up with!!
I'm surely starting to feel much more comfortable with Her and things are getting better and better..just like She promised..
I know She has some doubts about what I really need or to be more accurate - who I really need and want. It does hurt a bit but there's nothing I can do about it..perhaps..just to show Her on Her body that this is what I want. She is what I need.
My friend reminded me of my first thoughts about Her when she came.."Mouth like sailor's"
Hmm..I'm obviously blinded by love or just paralysed by physical enjoyment that the rest of the reality is just a big oblivion to my mind..I'm back in my little cocoon where I can be who I want to be.and She fits in there quite well.
She asks me how it feels like to touch Her and do i like it. I had to contemplate on that one for a while to fully understand and give a favourable answer.
When I lie next to Her I feel relaxed.content. a bit sad and happy at the same time..I feel wanted. excited I feel as time is standing still and I want it to stand still for a little longer..I smell Her hair and Her skin. I slide my fingers over Her soft and brown skin and I feel the warmth of Her body. And it feels great.
When I suddenly catch Her eyes, I feel butterflies making turmoil in my stomach.
I like the way Her body gets cold after She reaches the point..how Her lips turn cold as ice...how She clings on me..but overall I like how She makes me feel..I feel alive again.And this life is so very crystal clear..

definition for normal

Today's topic has being - Am I normal?
after an unsatisfactory definition from Cambridge dictionary and few other relevant web pages I found this view..

(source)

ABNORMALITY IS THE OPPOSITE OF NORMALITY AND SO I'LL DEFINE ABNORMALITY.

ABNORMALITY
a psychological condition or a behavior that departs from the most frequent way, or is harmful/distressing to the individual or others. abnormal behavior usually violate society's norm.

ABNORMALITY AS A STATISTICAL INFREQUENCY
abnormality is doing things the majority do not do, or not doing the things the majority do. in our culture, homosexuality would be defined as 'abnormal' because the majority of people are heterosexual.

LIMITATIONS OF THIS DEFINITION
1.It fails to take into account the social desirability of minority behaviors or characteristics.
2.Some statistically frequent behaviors are socially undesirable and/or are actually classified as mental disorders.
3.The cut off points for deciding when a behavior is infrequent enough for us to call it 'abnormal' are purely arbitrary e.g. who decides when a person is 'abnormally tall' or 'abnormally short'?
4.The statistical frequency can differ between cultures so this definition is "bound by culture"

ABNORMALITY AS A 'DEVIATION FROM IDEAL MENTAL HEALTH'
abnormality is possessing characteristics the mentally healthy healthy person should not possess, and/or not possessing characteristics the mentally healthy person should possess. e.g. hearing voices/hallucinations

THINGS HEALTHY PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO (by a psychologist called Marie Jahoda in 1958)
1.Being able to make your own decisions and choices
2.Being able to resist stress
3.Being able to perceive reality accurately.
4.Being able to self-actualise ( becoming the person you want to be)
5.Being able to adapt to your environment.

LIMITATIONS OF THIS DEFINITION
1.Most people do not satisfy all, many, or any, of these ideals (most people cant resist stress)
2.Claims about 'ideal mental health' are value judgement (with bias)
3.Different cultures have different ideals s the definition is "bound by culture" e.g. in some cultures hearing voices is a good thing and considered desirable.
4.Even within a culture 'healthiness' is determined by the context in which the behavior occurs e.g. being nude on a nudist beach is acceptable, but in a supermarket is not.
5.These are era-dependent - depends on the time in which the behavior occurs.
6.The definition depends on a persons stage of development e.g. a toddler throwing a tantrum is considered normal where as an adult throwing a tantrum is not.

ABNORMALITY AS A 'DEVIATION OF SOCIAL NORMS'
abnormality is doing things that society says shouldn't be done, or not doing things things society says should be done. i.e. violating society's implicit or explicit social norms. (implicit norms are 'unwritten rules' e.g. queuing at a bus stop, explicit norms are laws)

LIMITATIONS OF THIS DEFINITION
1.Some behaviors which deviate from social norms are actually statistically frequent behaviors. e.g. dropping litter.
2.Different cultures have different social norms, so what is 'normal' in one cultures may be abnormal in another. "bound by culture"
3.The definition is era dependent

ABNORMALITY AS 'FAILURE TO FUNCTION ADEQUATELY'
abnormality is failing to achieve some sense of personal well being and make some contribution to a larger group.

THE WAYS PEOPLE ARE CONSIDERED NOT TO BE FUNCTIONING ADEQUATELY
1.If their behavior causes them personal distress or discomfort
however there are 3 limitations for that:
*some times we are distressed is appropriate for the situation e.g. the death of a loved one.
*some mental disorders don't cause people personal distress e.g. anorexia nervosa.
*how can 'personal distress' be measured in an objective way?
2.If their behaviors causes others distress or discomfort
3.A third way in which a person might not be functioning adequately is when their behavior is bizarre:
a man dressing up as a woman for no reasons or when their behavior is unexpected. e.g. over reacting to a situation.

this definition is closest to what most people believe is abnormal.

CONCLUSION - WHAT IS ABNORMALITY?
all of the definitions here have their strengths and limitations. all of them are useful, but none complete, and there is no general agreement about which is 'best'. most people take a 'multiple perspectives' approach, that is they evaluate a behavior using each of these definitions before reaching a decision about whether a behavior is 'abnormal' or not.



Conclusion for my normality :

1.Statistical infrequency goes for me..doing things majority of people don't do..or is it very common to stat sleeping with a women one day?
2. Ideal mental health..hkm..I wouldn't survive without my voices..they're MINE!!!! and no one -NO ONE will ever take them away!!! Back off!
3. Deviation of social norms - what the ***??!!
4. Failure to function adequately - have I caused myself any personal distress or discomfort...HAAAAAHHAAAA . I am a personal distress and discomfort. We are one.


But despite all these things - I'm happy. And being happy is quite normal..therefore I AM NORRRMAL!!!!!!

And no head doctor will state other wise!!!!

We make normality and I just made my own..very pleased :)

face the shit you create!!

I phoned up and asked a chance to come back and talk. to sort my shit out. No more running. i will start sorting my things out. stayed at my colleagues place for two days (Her next to me..)..now.. I'm back. Utterly ashamed but ready to deal with the consequences of my actions. My laptop died. Don't want to use the public PC to write.

She thinks i need to see a doctor..a head doctor..

And my manager suggested me to phone up the Samaritans..have I missed something??!!!??

I am perfectly normal!

staying in the highland hostel at the moment. The place is a fucking shithole. Never been in a filthiest place before..

Spent my evening out in the pub with a bloody skinhead punk who'se been dismissed from work with anxiety and depression for a year..hahahahahha..we made a good company to each other. But what surprised me was my answer when he asked me whether I'm single or not..I replied I have a girlfriend..and i meant it. I miss Her. I want Her. I think I should tell it to Her not to the fucking strangers and to my blog...

I need Her on my side. Can't get Her out of my head. But I think the damage I made has been to great..She might not understand.. She might not forgive..I don't want this to end like this..I want to start all over.. with a clean sheet. I want to give Her my all respect and love..I want Her to know that I care..Fucking helll!!!..Why haven't we got a manual or a freaking remote control ..which has a massive red "erase" button in the middle..and a reapeat button..

Life is too good to spend it on being selfish..

finito

I left.

with an hour notice this morning.

I wasn't planning it.

In inverness at the moment.

Shit

Shit

Shit

"He thought with a kind of astonishment of the biological uselessness of pain and fear, the treachery of the human body which always freezes into inertia at exactly the moment when a special effort is needed" (Nineteen eighty-four by G. Orwell).
For me it seems to be the treachery of my very own mind which refuses to escape..the inertia becomes the strongest when I lie next to Her. Should I stop? Should I turn my back and walk away?
I can't
We didn't have to talk
Words won't do any good. it's all in the eyes. It's all in the smiles. It's our unsaid agreement that there is no need to fight against it. Let it be as long as it is..It won't be long. I'm planning to leave in February...and She's going back in June. So where's the problem :) !!
I decided to leave first because I couldn't see Her leaving. I know I couldn't. Even if I keep on saying that it's just for fun. everything is just for fun. Life is our biggest entertainment.
When I slapped my manager..it was just for fun and the next few times..it was just for fun as well. He's a real arsehole.
We all had a nice evening getaway in one of the staff rooms when we all got a bit pissed and he took me down to the bar to "talk about his marriage"..which has lasted for six whole fucking months..and he came on to me. And I slapped him. And he didn't stop. And I slapped him voh so very hard ..again and again..til he was so ashamed of himself and begging me to understand.. I will never let things like that happen again. Never. I'm so much stronger than I used to be. Then I walked away, leaving him right there..on the floor, squirming in his shame. Haven't seen him since..Bastard
I think I'll ask references from him. He will give them to me. good ones. He will.
I have reached to a mental state where my senses are on the highest level. And it's when I'm with Her. I told Her that I want to be with Her only when we're both sober. And it works. I can feel absolutely every tiny emotion in my body. I can feel the bits of electricity flashing from my head to toe tips. I can count Her heart beat, the rhythm of Her breathing.. I can feel Her excitement. Her electricity..I want to remember every corner of Her body, every word She whispers, every touch. And I want Her to remember. I want to have it all with full consciousness.
And I can
And it's indescribable

it's four in the morning and my nightmares are back. Can't sleep anymore. She is sleeping on my bed and I'm on the floor like a bloody rat sneaking around in the dark.
Thing's are fucked up. I'm fucked up. I've got a fever and my throat is so sore of smoking. Was dismissed this morning from work.
Had two days off and went to town..just to get away from it all. I called it rehab..before I went. But it didn't really work. I ended up in the bar with my coworker who joined me in the evening. I wanted to get away from Her as well. But all I could think of was Her
I tried to keep it simple but

she wants to talk tomorrow

She wants to talk

We had an argument today. She can't seem to handle the fact that I'm not gay. That I need an occasional dick as well.
She doesn't want to share
That's not what we agreed when we started everything.
I need to share, because her working visa will be over ..and she'll be gone..I don't want to get too attached. If it's not too late already..
My new nightmares have similar trait in them - I'm paralysed when I need to run. Like today's one
It was actually kind a symbolic and very logical one..
I was slipping into a dark hole which wasn't actually a hole but a state border and I was slipping away and couldn't come back and someone told me if I'm going I can't come back. Which, I presume must have meant my fear of Her leaving..And I was desperately looking for someone to ask what to I have to do to get back. Looking for loop holes in the law. And then I was lying next to someone who appeared to be my very own brother (which is rather disturbing..) and he was touching me and I wanted to scream and run..I was trying to push him away but I couldn't even move.. I was totally paralysed. It freaked me out. Then I pulled together all my strength and tried to release myself for the last time and I woke up gasping for air like I was nearly drowning..Which I think means my confusion and unconfidence about sleeping with Her. Is it subconsciously disturbing me?
What the hell am I doing..
And my ex is coming in March..we are getting back together. He is going to sell everything ...his whole life..
I'm fucked

Finally checked my emails today as well..people are panicking and doubting about my existence..