Weird lesbian dream

The aftermath for yesterdays pub trip wasn't even close to being explicable.

1. a kitten hangover (not complaining at all though, nice change for those nuclear hangovers)

2. an erotic lesbian dream

And the point NR two is the one I'm going to stop a bit longer.
Waking up with a horror in my mind, my first thought was: " She has to move out!" My roommate. Don't get me wrong, the dream had nothing to do with her, I mean - she wasn't even participating in my dream. There was someone else, someone with short dark hair. Thin and short she was. And I'm always been quite curious in that sort of things.. But that's not the point!
I was in the school somewhere (that's the part that made my fellow coworker almost wet herself..?..) and we were sitting in the class, class full of people. She was sitting in front and I was sitting somewhere in the back row. We had this eye contact, those glances..you know the ones that you may have sometimes walking in the city or in the cafe or whatever - the ones you have with the opposite sex!!!
Then somehow she read out of my body language that she had the permit to come over..
And man - was she horny or what! I didn't have to do anything, I just watched ( and where's the logic in that?!). And as quickly it started..it ended too.
So my day has basically been a long long soul-searching and discussion about my dream. Others were more amused about my dream than I was and my hapless status didn't do any good for me either. Our chef came up with a perfectly reasonable explanation - "Chica -you're just horny and that's it!" OK, but why didn't I see a man in my dream?
At the dinner table, she looked deeply in my eyes and said : " There's nothing wrong if you enjoyed what you saw.." I told her that I can see exactly where it's going - in five years time she'll get a postcard from me saying :" I'm OK, living in Ireland with my Swedish girlfriend Ulla"
No thank you!
In the name of seedless raisins - please, Mr Sandman, may I order some normal dreams. About nice yellow flowers or about the ocean or a nice trip to somewhere..or about ..men..

drunk. and I'm not being metaphorical

must keep away. Will regret. I know already. So . today. just being drunk..and keeping away. with my sweet Vivaldi. Love earphones. Love you. Love this day, ooo happy day..listen with me
just remembered..bought this cod liver stuff. wanted to be healthi etc, etc..why did I do that!!!!!!! WHY???!!!! Poor children who were forced to take it..omg. that stuff is evel!




goood night

überhäppiness

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME TODAY??!! I feel so happy..I AM so happy! Feel like jumping and screaming and singing and shouting (btw which I've been doing so far), my roommate's already getting suspicious and asking why am I following her, guess she's looking for some tranquility today..Looks like it's just not going to happen!
My happiness is like a big sack of potatoes which clearly isn't easy to drag around the house all day with you.. Goodness, I'm looking to my happiness as it's a cross to carry. Like it's something really hard that I just have to go through with.. Oh, it can't be normal. Normal. Noormal. Normallll
WHO CARES?!!!!
happydy happy
Could it be the sun that's peeping in through the window (the window that was scary before and is quite enjoyable right now..)
happiness, crappiness

Yesterday I happened to flip through a book called something about dealing with insomnia or something like that and absentminded or stubborn or narrowminded or a smartass as I was (mostly am) I thought: "Nääh, insomnia, must be something that doctors diagnose..nothing that I could possibly ever had..me?! never..no, can't be. Things like this happen only to others. It can't be like the wave of those "self-diagnosed" hyper active children. Remember? "Oh, yeah, my child is hyper active. That's why he's like a little fucking devil and is driving me maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddd. But yeah, what can I do, He's my little hyper active angel." Get real! Being hyper active is not like having a sore throat. And an active or inquisitive OR bratty child does definitely not mean being hyper active. At least as far as I know..prove me wrong..
So , there I was, convinced that being reluctant to sleep does not mean that I might have insomnia, ditched the book and dived into others.
Managed to fall asleep about five or six in the morning..convinced - INSOMNIA-no matter what they say, must be it!
For goodness sake, that's how my night looked like:
Did some practice tests for my English exam, finished about midnight. A sip of coffee (don't say anything!), a bit of reading, then a bit of vocabulary and idioms for the exam..finally killed the lights..nothing happened. Annoying pain in my back and I was getting more and more aware of it. Then thousand thoughts about..everything! Ok, then I really tried to tell myself: "OK, relax now, let it all go, drift away. No worries in the bed, there's nothing I can't postpone til the morning..ok, what's bothering you, get it clear and make it go away.." Nothing happened
Then little strips of poems started to form in my head, me, at the same time, constantly thinking: " Must get a pen, must get a paper, must write it down..must get a pen. must get a pen. must get a pen.."
Then came stories. "Definitely must get a pen now, must get..a pen..must.." Then I heard that the heating went on. " Yess!" ups, hope I didn't wake my roommate up..
And that's how it went on and on..
Pain in my back turned into a loud Eurovision type of music, which is just so annoying and awful crap that you can't even not notice it or switch the bloody channel..
Then, the best part, I became aware of all the sounds and little noises around me and I started to panic, hot flushes running through my body. "For fuck sake, your 24, grow up. You can't be scared of darkness anymore. That's not normal!!!!" It didn't help. Then I saw something moving in the room, saw it in the corner of my eye, a glimpse of a shadow. Oh, man, that was cruel! At least I thought that I saw something..
Changed places in my bed, so I couldn't see the window anymore (You have to admit that windows are scary in the dark) and under the blanket I disappeared..
Alarm
Alarm
Mine
Hers
Alarm
"I want to sleep!!!!"
Further investigation on insomnia is required

Is it important to be honest in life?

Most of us have heard the saying that "a lie has short legs" but it seems to me that this particular pair of limbs can get you quite far if you know how to benefit from this untamed phenomenon. In this essay I would like to explain why I think honesty is out of date.

Let's begin with personal relationships. Being honest or what's worse-being frank here leads to all kinds of problems. Take, for example, the relationship between husbands or partners. If you're direct with your loving husband about his balding head or his expanding belly, you could be in serious trouble. The result is that he will start pointing out your own faults or he will become embarrassed about his body. And it's the same with friends. If you can't depend on them to give you the comments you would like to hear about your new partner, skirt or hair style, then your friendship is unlikely to last.

Integrity at work is just as dangerous. In the first place, an ethical or truthful worker can cause a business dearly. It might start with an innocent holding of desired information about the relationship between the secretary and the boss when this top secret knowledge should surely be in public hands. Not so serious, You may say, but it's my belief that this shows a person who doesn't value the benefits of intrigues and lying. Secondly, a trustworthy worker makes for a bad colleague. Most people work in teams and if You cannot rely on a colleague to pass on gossip , the team will break down.

In sum, it is my belief that honesty in our lives is absolutely calamitous. Take it away and our lives would become more pleasant and this will effect others too.

Ok. just some really good social ads.

Take your time and think






PuRe

Eureka!

I knew it would happen one day. And it happened today..guess it just got too much for a second but it got me to this ..insight..this damn realisation. And I thought I knew what REALLY REALIZING something means..
That's how it went..
Me being quite strange all day..some stupid pains in my lower back and horrifyingly swinging moods and on top of all these things the awful "going-nowhere" row about what's best for my sister and whats right or wrong in the eyes of the PUBLIC ..in the eyes of the society..after explaining or rather hopelessly trying to explain how some close ones may feel like..after never thought about how I feel about all these things, after never ASKED how I feel about it .. I just lost it
Just lost it
About 16.00 pm it was at that moment (I know because I was just about to get off to my classes) when everything just came down, flushed over me..I lost control, smacked my foot in the cupboardish thing which just happened to be on my way, sent the cotton bad which I was holding in my hand to the farness ( as far as a tiny innocent cotton bad can possibly fly..) and burst into tears..helplessly trying to signalize to my slightly startled friend (in some sort of sign language) that I'm moving over to the kitchen now.
Fortunately she knows that in that kind of situations it's better to stay away from me.
What was the trigger?
Why was it piling up like this?
Why now, why today?
After two short minutes of ground shaking crying in the kitchen I stood up, took my things and went downstairs (others were ready to go, so I had to go..)
On the back seat..as nothing ever happened
Physical reactions appear..I start to feel sick, really sick and the terrible headache..it's just building itself up and up..and down and up..And I can't hear anything, time's just standing and I feel like I don't exist at this moment or I don't feel anything, not sure.
I know they're talking something there but I can't hear anything..trees and buildings and cars and silence, this appalling silence. Don't care about anything..just feeling sooo tired.
Then train..oh, now I really feel sick, must look outside..
And this feeling was so strong that I was ready to skip my classes and to run to the library to quickly write it all down, being afraid that it will go away, that I won't remember anymore..bought a pack of cigarettes (since I came back to England, which was on the sixteenth of February, I had had only one cigarette). After that felt physically even worse. But then we just walked to the college and I didn't think anymore at all..there was a man passing us with this stupid suitcase with wheels..but the sound..it was almost musical..the sound the wheels made on the stone pavement. Everything felt so weird.
The thing that made it so different from the other outbursts is the fact that now I know exactly what it feels like when you think your supposedly friends should be brave enough to say something, to say something when they see that everything is just not OK.
I felt so defeated, so betrayed, so exhausted..
And the funny part..yes there was a funny part too ..was that quite soon I didn't care what happened..all I was interested in was to know why my body reacted that way. I needed to write it down quickly to go through it again ..over and over again..My body was still shaking in the classroom and I felt like I was in a big bubble..in my own warm bubble.
But then I recognised my classmate smiling at me and everything cleared up. My bubble drifted away..The class went well, we laughed a lot and it was like seeing a sun tribe in the muddy autumn evening. After lessons we went for a drink with my friend and I tried and I tried I really tried to explain it all over, I wanted to understand just a little bit more..to fix it just as it was..for ever or at least for as long as I can scrabble it down somewhere. But it was already gone. The moment was gone, the feeling was gone
It was gone
And I'm not able to reconstruct it. It's gone. But I still remember or rather know or am aware of the feeling of betrayal.
Hmm..interesting..
Maybe I really ought to start thinking about controlling my roller-coaster like emotions. Not sure how long I can cope with that kind of ups and downs..
And somehow our conversation (don't ask me how..totally out of context) lead to an interesting thought my friend came up with- when people cheat on each other anyway, why do they have this stupid thing called faithfulness? If it's programmed into us (well I guess mostly in men) to jump and bang as much as we can and with everyone we can then why do we have to hide it why to we have to be faithful? If one is being with different partners before a steady partner or a husband/wife and probably after as well (in case the relationship doesn't work out)then why does it matter if one is with others at the same time as well..
And poor men, I mean by doing something as natural as following the urge to procreate ..they're getting punished! Hahha . That's just tragicomedy!
Long live morality and borders set by our ancestors!
Anyway after a pint I couldn't be bothered about my Eureka moment anymore..My little Ephemere..

CAN NOT CONCENTRATE! Can't, can't, can't..hmm what about coffee, oh I haven't looked my pictures recently..oh what was I doing in this room. Must get some milk for the coffe..downstairs.uuu biscuits..crunch, crunch..upstairs. fuck..where's the milk?! Downstairs..standing in the kitchen..hmmm what did I want from here..hmmm..
ullallaa..what's that- a new recipe book!...after a while I discover my cold coffee..
No.. Actually it's not as bad. It's just that I have to do my essay or write an article instead of doing this but I can't. I have this stupid song in my head - Prince "Purple rain". It's so annoying because I can't get my head round what the heck is he on about! What does it mean? Why does this bloody rain has to be purple?!! Is it something ..something..metaphorical?
What is the fucking purple rain???!!! Why purple? Why not green or yellow..yuki..
AARGGHH! Ok feeling much better now. Back to my school stuff.
Hmm.. should make a cup of coffee..

Take that! and think

BTW - I like to think that I'm totally normal..I'm not a depressive something maniac or whatever..I just like to think about things..all sorts of things..and share. Share, share, share!

Killer relationships

I doubt if I´ll say that your cherished one is knowingly yet undeniably playing with your mind that you would believe me..why would you..and why would I care in the first place?
Because doing that we are all a part of a lie, a part of a sad moreover degrading play and therefore one by one people are starting to drift away because they're week to tell the truth and they don't want to participate in it..don't want to take the responsibility or to give a helping hand which may open their eyes but which may put themselves in an inconvenient and unknown situation. Isn't it just easier to turn your back or not to notice..
I WANT TO UNDERSTAND
I do..but I can't
I want to understand why are people consent to live a self-defeating life.
I'm constantly thinking about my mother. Why can't she just dump the bloody cad whose main purpose in life is to get drunk supersonically, piss himself, puke all over the place, pass out for weeks or to spend his spare time in the casinos leaving her with all the consequences? I used to think that he was the reason of all her troubles and misery but I was wrong - it's her whose doing it. She is destroying herself and she can't even see what she's causing with her actions. The impact to her little son and daughter who can't even stand up for themselves yet..who have the nice and warm picture about mummy and daddy..
I want to know why her partners tend to be alcoholics, why my granddad is an alcoholic and was his father the same..
I want to understand why she thought that killing herself would solve all the problems. I want to understand why she wants sympathy while sympathy for me is just another smirking and low way to gain attention. Did she think about what would happen to us, what would happen to the little ones then? What would happen to her mum and dad? Did she.. even for a moment?!
Can I see a pattern in it - yes I can. The question is -can we exterminate the pattern..me and my three sisters and two brothers ..or will we subconsciously submit and pass it on?

To someone
I want You to explain to me why can't You act the way You guide others to act? And how long can You convince Yourself that You're in the control of this situation and that You have the vantage-ground. When will You admit to Yourself that You actually don't need this shit? That You DON'T NEED THIS SHIT!!
Anyway..why are we doing things we do and why is it always so easy to see other's wrong turns..

Dear friend, how much evidence dou you need to make the decision?

Reality check

I really don't know where to start. Went there to see some miraculous changes but came back with a shocking realisation that I no longer can hide my head in the sand. Haven't even updated my blog because of my head being just a big mess..
Due to my location I started to head "home" four pm on Monday, spent my night in the airport and arrived three pm on Tuesday my ex blushingly greeting me in the Tallinn Airport. He really made me laugh cos he just don't do emotions and I could see how he didn't know how to be or what to say..nor did I. So after a long and suffocating hug we walked out automatically holding hands and lighted quickly our cigarettes (though non of us smoked before I left). There we were -peering each other as looking for some evidence of major changes which we couldn't find. Many thanks to him as he drove me around all the places I needed to go and I managed to go every where I planned..hm except my dad's place. Well..better luck next time.
But yeah..the thing is that I confronted some issues I was avoiding before and no I'm in a point where I'm looking for a job in England..so bye bye my little trip I planned.
Anyway - my plane didn't crash, I didn't have any physical intercourse with my ex (very much to my surprise), hugged my mom (plus absolutely everyone I saw..a number of times), defused a bottle of wine with my granny..another one with my sister..another one with my "spiritual guide" (who really needs one for herself..and I thought I'm a mess..), unidentified amounts of sherry and wine with my in-law..and approx the same amount of unidentified liquid with my strange yet essential friends, a pint of mulled wine with an old family friend and lots of NORMAL coffee, had some frightening reflections and outpourings.
I am coming back to reflect on this week long yourney that guided me to the decisions I made or am just about to make. I'll be back to give all the details which are helpful in understanding.

Garlic O.D

Ok, it's not even funny anymore..I think I really am ill now - what a perfect timing! I've been on and on about how I'm usually ill like two or three times during the winter and how LUCKY I've been this year!!!!!!! F*C***********k
WHY? WHY now?
I should be packing now..I will..as soon as I finish my twelfth cup of ..öööaaaakk...peppermint TEA! DADADADAAAAAAAA (read out loud with the melody of Beethoven's symphony NR 5)! EVIL!
Seriously - I'm not myself right now. I'm much worse than me!! HA HA HAAA A a...ha..ha a.. a
Oh yeah, did I mention that I'm having a garlic overdose at the moment? Yes I do..I do I do I dooo ( and here you can excellently use Abba's melody ...sing along! "I do, I do, I do.." And I really don't care!! And some weird reason my roommate has moved to the kitchen..haven't seen her for a while..could it be because of the garlic..
Looking forward to spend my night in the airport with fever. Hmm..should I take some garlic with me...

I miss a good book. I miss you guys ..my lovely books..reading is even worse than nicotine addiction. Do they have any support groups for manic readers?"

"Books are the perfect entertainment: no commercials, no batteries, hours of enjoyment for each dollar spent. What I wonder is why everybody doesn’t carry a book around for those inevitable dead spots in life."
Stephen King

Hmmm..

Ok " Pull yourself together!" oh, I love when Me talks to Me..

Feeling crap..truly crap

My day started quite well.
11.00 am.. alarm.."five more minutes.."
11.05 am..alarm..oh, five more minutes..
11.10 am..alarm..goodness sake - give me a break, please! Five more minutes I said!!!!!
...
...
....
..............
...
..
11.45..."Must get up.." "must ge......z..zzzzzzzzzz.."

Five minutes later dragged my deep-rooted hangover head downstairs..Seemed like my red eyes could've light up the whole corridor..
"Bang..bang..got ya.hahaa..Bang..BAnGG!! HA Ha HAAA (evil laugh..).." was the name of the orchestra playing in my head..
"How are you feeling today..heard you went down to the pub yesterday ?"
"Feeling just as crap as I look like..could you turn down your volume , pleaaaaaas.s.s. Thanks"

Creeped out of sight..and remained there...

And it's not getting any better. It's changing, though but for what?!!
My whole body is burning and my hands are sweating and I feel..I feel.. well basically - I FEEL LIKE SHIT!!!
Oh dear..someone who's in charge of Fate..please don't let it be my destiny! Don't want to become ill..I've got serious business to do!
An overwhelming exigency to throw up everywhere I possibly could reminds me...oh..shit .have to go!

A stripper?!

Little messenger conversation between me and my dear friend. Bless him!

FriendX: Hi, Chica!
How's it going?
Me: Hi, Friend X!
It's going nervously. Can't sleep. And yourself?

(long pause..)

Me: OK, OK! It's going great - are you talking to me now..
FriendX: What's the problem then?
Me: No, there's no problem, I'm just anxious about going back to Estonia.
FriendX: When do you get here?
Me: On the *******.
Are you in Estonia or in CountryX?

FriendX: Are you planning to stay awake until the ****** of February?
I'm in CountryX
Me: hahaa..no, I'm not planning to..but it seems like I haven't got a choice
FriendX: Might've guess you've got the travel fever. And how long for?

Me: mnjaaa..I'm not sure it's a good idea at all..to go back
FriendX: Why's that?

Me: I'm staying for a week

FriendX: didn't you have some school stuff there to do?

Me: I'm only for a week. I'll quit the school. I've got plenty of time to study. Maybe someday again
FriendX: I don't quite get it. Where for a week?
What are you planning next?
Me: To Estonia for a week! Then back to England. Staying here till April and then I've got four places to choose from, don't know where life takes me..whether to Portugal, back to Spain, to Gibraltar or maybe to Germany.
Germany only because I would like to improve my language
FriendX: Well, if you're there for a week, maybe we'll meet. I'll be there next weekend
Me: You know, to be honest..would be nice to see you, fuck knows, when I'll come again or when you'll come again
FriendX: What about German?
Me: I was going to visit ***** too.
I studied German since seventh grade and there isn't much use of it when I can't speak it. Want to be in the environment of that language and get it right..or something like that..

FriendX: I'm still struggling to understand how can you do it. Where do you get the strength and what are you living on?

Me: I'm living on air, hope and love
hhahhahaa
No, actually I'm a stripper. 25 - 65 thousand kroons per month
FriendX: so
And it's OK
Me: what so?

FriendX:

Me: yeah, it's ok
FriendX: no - seriously
Me: I recommend it to you too..we've got here some hot guys like you
FriendX: I think I don't quite get it right know
Is it some kind of a joke?
Me: I see that you don't get anything at all..

FriendX: I don't know much about you
Me: Come down to earth, where do you think I got the money..that I'm really a volunteer..hitchhiking from airport to airport?! Not many people actually know me. Or they know what they see or have heard
FriendX: Ok -got it -and did you know that it's the job when you went there?
Me: Yeah, sure. My friend's a hostess here.
An old friend

FriendX: And what's the job like?

Me: Well. it depends on your contract. Dancing, dancing and touching or only lap dance. or topless service in the bar. nothing bone breaking
in this club sex service is strictly out of question
FriendX: Chica - why are you doing this
I'm your friend
talk to me
Me: You know, Friend X, I'm doing what I'm always been good at. Seems like that's the only thing I'm good at. Plus not the most modest wage plus travelling plus million other things. And that's the place where the feelings are unnecessary. Cos I don't know how to handle them anyway and when I try to then I'll definitely mess up. Big time. And I've always enjoyed being in the middle of the attention.
Take it or leave it
äh..it's been somehow easy to tell you
FriendX: ok -I'm not judging you and if it suits you there's nothing others can say. Everyone decides for themselves and I'm not the best example myself either. It's just that..it came as a really big surprise.
But my heart is heavy now
can't help myself
I can't even imagine what's the job like
Me: decent
hahaa..as decent as it could be!
I reckon I've definitely screwed up my future with it
FriendX: Why's that?
Me: but it's fun

FriendX: don't think so
fun?????????
"don't think so" was meant for the future part

Me: Oh. FriendX, I'm sorry..I thought it would be fun with you..not the job..well maybe it would be fun. I should try first. DON'T START TO YELL AT ME, PLEASE!!!!!!!!
Should try the job first not you -don't get me wrong now, please.
AARGH damn! Anyway in one word - don't believe everything I say..I mean it was a joke.

FriendX: I don't understand anything and I can't believe you NOW, can I? or what!
Me: hmm..
no, no I mean it. I'm not a stripper. They wouldn't let me in even if I was a guest! Sorry, i couldn't resist. it was so good to make fun of you.
Please forgive meeeee
FriendXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!
Friendx: and where did you get all the money?
all of it!
Me: what money..I'm poor as an Estonian!
FriendX: I can't go to Spain!
Me:Yes you can if you borrow some money from your brother!
FriendX: I'm still in between
I don't want you to go that road
and if I can I'll help
Me:You know what - I'll come to Estonia and we'll take some shots of vodka and we'll talk about it thoroughly, alright?
FriendX: so you wouldn't go that road
Deal!

Me: helping me to go that road, or what?
FriendX: no, no, no, no
Me:viuhhhh. ok. We'll meet and talk
Hope you're not going to stay up until ****** as well now...
FriendX: I sleep like a..whatever
I'm a heavy sleeper
Me: Yes..you are
FriendX: take care and hey - if there's any trouble I'll try to help
Me: Ok, thank youuuuuuuu!!!! See you! and sorry about the joke...
FriendX: I'm still not sure was it a joke or not but what the heck-I'm starting to recover and to understand. If so then so it will be- still a friend
Me: I knew you would understand. If not you, then who else..
FriendX: Exactly!
Me: Ok. I have to go and have to have a cigarette..just in case. I've noticed that people say it when they want to end the conversation.. :)
Bye
FriendX: yep. but really-if there's anything , you know worries or something, let me know, ok?
Me: Thanks FriendX, I'm deeply grateful. you know not many keep in touch
FriendX: Me always
Bye
Me: Bye
FriendX: I'm going for a cigarette :)

Vivaldi put a spell on me

Yes, that's right. I'm sure he did! There can't be any better explanation than that..I mean - any reasonable explanation...He must've hypnotised me...
Finished work today something something pm, went to the chapel (yes - we've got our own chapel in here. Though I need it as much as a Coronation Chicken needs ice cream..)Flipped through some random CD's , listened to one of them and a bit of the other one. Then IT caught my eye.
Can't remember where I got the CD from..a charity shop perhaps..Put it on, killed the lights and lied on my back. "Four Seasons" .Typical-you may think..but not for me. At least not anymore..
"Spring"..määäh...next one!
"Summer"..started to feel tender jitters in my spine.
Autumn" ..mnääh as well..this one made me feel pretty much.. nothing..
"Winter" - oh yeee! That was it. My sweet Antonio..I think he knows (or rather knew...) how I felt on that very moment. Closed my eyes and let the frissons to creep up on me..
I have to say that it was almost orgasmic..Mhm ..orgasm caused by a long long dead man..long dead and not even a nice one..I really disgust myself sometimes..but only sometimes.
After ehm..a while I returned to my room, bewitched as I was, sat on my armchair and mumbled to myself "I think.. I'm in love.."
At least that's how it felt like..
It's good to be me - doesn't take much to boost my emotions. One moment - in the seventh heaven, next moment - fighting with Devil over the right to use the cauldron first..
I think I should get drunk now..to balance myself. Or to drown the sorrow caused by this unanswered love.or whatever.

Supporting roommate

Chica's trip to Estonia
By Anu


all there is to do
a tattoo
hanky-panky
a kick in the butt
so what?

Back after nine months..scary? Hell yeah!!

Haven't seen my family or friends for nine months by now..Sometimes it feels like forever and a day but then again it feels like I just left yesterday.
THE Day is getting closer and closer and I'm getting more nervous day by day. Feels strange to go back. Usually I'm as cool as a cucumber but now..it's scaring the hell out of me..Don't really want to confront my shadows...but I have to. And I DO NOT like flying!
I'm going for a week and I haven't got a clue what I'm going to do with this week. Of course there is some "must dos" such as:
Visiting mum. My leaving was quite bizarre. I went to her place to say goodbye and so on..didn't stay for long cos I just couldn't - this place gives me creeps. Always has. By chance I forgot my phone inside and my mum ran out to give it back and at that very moment something unpredictable happened - she hugged me. My mum hugged me and we were both in tears. I snapped back and left..Nothing special, you may say, but for me ..well ..after all these unspoken and drawing away years, it's the first decent hug I can recall.
Grandparents. They're living in a small two bedroom flat. My granny, granddad, aunt, her two sons, occasionally her husband, occasionally my sister and usually my other two little siblings.. and when my mum's partner looses himself in a drink then it's her lodging as well. Granny's suffering with osteoporosis and my granddad was in the hospital when I left. He had a tumour under his tongue..after a while they discovered another one. I want to see them. Despite all the hirdum-dirdum, lack of space, granddad's alcohol abuse - I miss all of it!
Some friends .
My ex... well..we all know what's going to happen there ;) hopefully
Sisters, brothers.
In-laws. ..
A women who wants to kick my ass or something like that..I have to admit that she's got her reasons..
Some really, really good friends to catch up with their latest home made wines.
And hopefully my dad as well. It's always funny to visit him because he's an alcoholic as well and I usually have to explain twice that I came to visit him -first in the evening and second time in the morning because he can't commonly remember anything from previous night. What a funny man.

Guess I would make more sense when I'll write after coming back..

Am I going to die?!

Today I've got only one question to ask myself - could the lack of physical satisfaction be lethal?

SURE FEELS LIKE THAT...