new games we play

As the mathematical genius in you can see that i haven't blogged for ..for a long time. So what's happened meanwhile?

Well..we did leave the island. Flew out to Portugal, cycled through Portugal, Spain, Andorra, France all the way to Italy.

Jumped over to Croatia for visa purposes, travelled to Estonia. Where Hershe was working and earning as much as 2 euro an hour before flying back to Australia.

Few months later I joined her and then we came back to Scotland. Already planning our new trip to Turkey, Nepal, India and from there back to Australia.

 And all this with a new dark cloud hoovering above our dreams  - doctors have discovered "something" in Hershe's breast..

And now it's just a waiting game...gray and scary game it is.

Monday, Balvenie and last week

Time is going faster than expected...doesn't it always..we are mastering professional procrastination and exploring the boundaries of brewery side effects. Alongside all that high activity, meeting interesting people from all around the world....such as:

A young woman travelling around with a yellow hat and taking pictures with You wearing The Yellow hat. ..yep.. facebook - Yeloow Hat

an artist who has dedicated his life to passing on the beauty of sacred isle of Iona .. John Yeo. http://users.breathe.com/jyeo/

And yesterday we met an amazing guy with a slight obsession ..of..labyrinths!!! Thousand thanks to him for sharing his book and story.. Thank you, Lars Howlett :)

And ... Hershe introduced me to divine Balvenie!!!! Happy days :)

The last week on Iona has been stirring up some mixed emotions. We've been having some serious talks..ehm..I mean.. as serious talks as two slightly drunken women can ever have. But it all comes down to fact that Hershe has find her second chance, second love ...and I am the second real love...Yes, I can see it in her eyes, I can feel it in her tender and loving touch.
Well..fair enough being second, we are grown up people and can't and to be perfectly honest - wouldn't even want to presuppose to be The First and Only..but knowing the magnitude of her love has proven yet another perverse side of me - more than loving someone I need to be loved! There is nothing more important for me than being loved, wanted and desired. It nourishes me. I don't need to love , I need to feed on someone else's love towards me. And that makes me strong and content.
And I am so content that it is sickening!
There is no pain or sadness or mark of depression left and ..and..I miss all that. There is no drama left...everything is just tooo OK. Too nice and too damn obvious. And I can't take it.. I mean, sure I can but I don't want to. I can't focus without my misery. I need back my pathetic sorrow..
I've been asked to contribute some works on the island's art exhibition..but I just can't create a thing in such a happy mental state I am at the moment...without my misery it's like.. like..masturbating while watching documentary about the genetic mutations of perennial peas.. .it's just not gonna happen!

power cut and storm on Iona

Mirjam Kunnberg and Melissa Trott are fundraising for Alzheimer's Society

You can now be our keen supporter!!

Isn't it funny how such seemingly random encounters have such an impact on us and how inspiring they can be.
An ordinary day behind the bar. An ordinary guy behind the bar. An ordinary elderly couple sitting under the window. An ordinary chat between me and the guy. About his cycling holiday. The old guy overheard us and stepped into the conversation. He had Alzheimer's. His partner just reminded him to walk out of the toilet half an hour earlier. He told the story of his glory times cycling round the world....Moments after he comes over and buys the young fella a pint. "For good old times" He says. And probably forgot about it minutes later..
I was close to crying.

Our trip is getting some form now..things are starting to come together and an idea is forming out...Currently in contact with Alzheimer's Society for advice what would be the best way for fundraising for their charity. Our cycling tour will be a fundraising tour.
Hershe's got a long history of Alzheimer's running in her family and Alzheimer's is her biggest fear. Our journey is dedicated to her grandfather Lawrence Percy Heartwig.
Mind and body should always exit together!!!!
In process of launching our website www.heels2wheels.com and most probably will start with a fresh sheet as well - a new blog...
Any tips and useful links for fundraising , finding a sponsor, about cycling or anything at all - always more than welcome!!!!!

heels2wheels.com

Staffa. Second try.

Seals sunbathing

Hopefully I can get you some pictures from inside the cave as well..on my third return












Pal and Paul touring our trip. Pal is one of the children who's involved in the business and living on the island. The sisters are working in the shops, run B&B's and a pub, cafe, restaurant. Three sisters and a brother..all working and living side by side under their parents eyes.

Saturdays are my days off.. There's a wedding on the island..so..of course I HAD to go back down to the pub after work. Had two drambuies with crabbies yesterday. And today is my day OFF. if you now what i mean ;) I really can't drink decent amounts anymore. It's almost embarrassing.
So..this morning..two options - to clean the house or hop on a boat to Staffa.
My first attempt to go to Staffa remained a nice view on the horizon because of the stormy sea ..we could not land.
This time - we landed!
and ..I forgot to charge my camera and to take my watch/mobile with me. But I still managed to get some pictures and get back on the boat just on time. If you do have a chance, go and see Staffa. It's quite an extraordinary island..with it's mystical caves, Puffins and of course the island itself, formed of those stone columns.
Working on Iona has some nice advantages..such as free boat trips..because most of the island businesses are owned by one family, whom I work for, including the boat tours. Happy days!

Hershe's heart on her cheek

hangover walk on a sunny Saturday

The post office alley

Why the hell is commitment so terrifying???!!!
After all these pink fluffy cloud dreams and talks, I've been scared shitless ..and why..oh , you'll laugh. Damn you Facebook!!!
Hershe has changed her status from "single" to "in a relationship", added pictures of me an so on.
Damn you, Facebook!
You are nothing, my dear Facebook and wasn't being recognised as a real couple, been my wish for all these five months we've spent together anyway?
Then why the hell has this bloody pair of words on some insignificant social site being so bothering???
It even put me off sex.
Damn you, Facebook - no one is allowed to put me off sex!!!!
Revenge will be sweet!!!

Staffa

http://www.southernhebrides.com/staffa.html

Was too scared to go inside on my own :)

Vagina looking cave

Green jacuuuuzy!

Perfect spot for a little nap..

Hidden cave on the South coast of Iona

There is no chance encounters

"28.April 2011
I wish I had a typewriter installed in my head because it's constantly producing writing material..on every step I take, with every sun beam I see..constant flow of thoughts..and as soon as I sit behind the computer and actually have Internet connection to write something - it's blank!
so here I am on my afternoon break, all by myself with a little note on the bed "CU2nite I@U xxx" ( @ - haven't got a heart key).."

must have fallen asleep because that's exactly where it ends in my notebook

"30 April 2011
I'm sitting at the very end of a cliff top, waves crushing against the rocks.
It's my day off. Woke up with a minor hangover from last nights disco. Disco - yes, a real disco on the island. Don't laugh! Theme - surprise, surprise - wedding.
But it's such a glorious day to be wasted on healing in bed.
It's quite incredible, the surrounding I mean. I've found a wind shelter behind a stone, a small and dry patch of grass with an open view to the Ocean. It's amazing and powerful. It almost makes me wanna cry...just like when I had an Alzheimer's guy in the bar with the most caring partner or when a family ran on the ferry and forgot a wee boy behind ..standing on the chair ..
Now I know how the Ocean feels like. I can feel it.
About feeling things -
I used to think that I want to SEE the world but now I want to FEEL the world and experience how the world makes me feel, how my mind, body and soul will respond to the world.
I've been dancing all night in my high heels, returned home about 5 am, worked 10 and a half hours just before it and the sun is working it's magic..my eyelids are becoming heavier and heavier. I might just curl up on the grass and take a little nap..hopefully not falling off the cliff!

Several hours have passed and I'm been walking along the rough coast line, climbed the rocks, taken few breaks and now sitting on the edge of the South coast of Iona and I REALISED JUST RIGHT NOW what true happiness is.
I can feel my whole body smiling, my face is smiling, my skin is smiling, my toes, my heart and even my spine is smiling. Everything seems extraordinary beautiful and I'm filled with pure love and content. I've got someone I love with every molecule and I'm being loved in return. I feel so free. This feeling is quite sensational.
I guess I really ought to explain what happened after Hershe had read the letter and I returned home.
She sure was not talking to me. And I subconsciously returned to my old control drama -being aloof ( more information about control dramas - The Celestine Prophecy), inherited from my childhood. From my mother. After realizing that I'm again being stuck in it, I took some action and approached Her, asking her to let me know when ever she's ready to talk.
And I waited. And waited.
Went to bed. And waited.
When she finally came to bedroom - still not a word. Killed the light and crawled to the other side of the bed.
And I waited. Nothing.
Then I put my arms around her and asked what was going on because I did not understand that kind of behaviour. She pushed me away.
And I waited.
I heard her weeping. And I knew that the time was right.
What had happened was that she understood the first bit of my letter and then got into her head that there's a guy I cannot stop thinking about. And she thought - this is it.
And it made her realize how deeply she really loves me. I felt it in the air, in her shaking body, I saw it in her eyes.
Me being loaded with loads of positive energy from the day, remained calm and strong. My calmness even surprised me a bit. So I explained to her everything. How I've never had a vision of us being together in the future, that it has still been a classical manandawifewithchildren model and how Charlie had somehow made me see that. And think about it. He proved that I can trust myself, that I don't need the constant attention from men, that I don't need to keep my options always open. That I don't have to constantly keep my eyes open for seeking perfection.
There is no perfection. We are humans.
And this is my happiness. My happiness is with her. This night, this letter and Charlie had changed everything. Our relationship was taken into another higher level, emotional level. We didn't have a platonic relationship with Hershe before we hooked up and we have to make it all up now. Start getting to know each other. " I like getting to know you" she says through her tears..
The trust and freedom we have now has made everything so real. We are waking up with smiles on our faces .we now know how we really feel about each other, we have opened up and all the fears have seem to be vanished.
Content is the word.
Content and happiness.
Not only I feel euphoria ,as one feels being in love, when I'm around her - I'm able to feel the euphoria all the time now.
Tho I do miss her even right now, to share this magnificent sight and emotions I'm going through, I'm still content. And her absence is not paralysing any more.
I would like to spend every possible moment with her..but at the same time ,wish to spend well every moment when it's not possible to be with her.
We have reached the "comfortable silence moment" level. You know what I'm talking about, don't you..
Having learned how to enjoy myself without her has made being with her even more enjoyable. Seeing each other again releases flushes of sensational joy!
It's good to be loved and to love.
That's way I had to meet Charlie in my life. And I did let him know about his impact to our lives..
and looks like some other lives have been touched as well..

"My darling Hershe,
I've gone up to the North beach to figure out some answers for the questions I've been keeping in the back of my head, so I could see more clearly why exactly has the path led me into this place and why have I met the people I've met.
And to reassure to myself that the sacrifice (being here) is worth making in order to make our goal to come true.
But there's something I've been wanting to tell you. We have becoming the victims of person addiction.
Let me explain.
I love you. I really do and without doubting you, I know that you love me too. I trust that feeling. And this trust will keep us away from becoming jealous which leads to betrayal and from there on to hatred til we can't stand the sight of each other anymore. And only because we loved each other so much and became addicted of one another.
What I'm trying to say is that we have to let go of addiction so we are not stopping each other from evolving and growing as two individuals.
What I'm talking about is the paralysing feeling when one is waiting the other to come home. And that's all we can do. Because we can't function before the other one is close enough. But we must become over that, cos it is not letting us to live, sorry, to enjoy every moment we have on earth.
We have to learn that.
I want you to block out the feeling of anxiety when I'm not around. Then you have two options:
1) come and see me (meet me)
2)or go out and be open to what ever the day has to offer or be creative or productive or just take time for yourself. Indulge in yourself.

Anything but STOP WAITING.
And I'll try to do the same.
I have to admit that this is not easy because I'm constantly thinking of you, wishing you were here. So I could just feel your presence.
But being like this is cutting us out of the rest of the world. I hope you don't take this message in a wrong way. And when we see each other again I hope I can explain more clearly.
I love and can't wait to see you, to hold you, to see your familiar smile, to hear your voice and smell your skin.

Meanwhile.
I'll be up on the North Coast. Perhaps reading my book,
watching the waves.
Maybe meeting someone interesting to talk to.
I don't know.
Maybe I'll take a bottle of wine with me and two glasses (one for you in case you decide to come up there) or just in case someone else comes, so I could share my wine and start up a conversation by offering a glass of wine.
Interaction with other people is so very important as I've learned from the last week or two. I will explain that one to you later on. It involves Charlie and the reason I've met him. And what he has taught me without even realizing it himself.
I've been thinking about him a lot, about our conversations and the amount of time I've spent thinking about him. it was scaring me.
But today I realised why it all had happened. And I can't wait to explain that to you.
Hershe,
I am so grateful that you have let me to love you because love doesn't just happen - love needs to be given a chance..the green light.
If I don't see you on the beach, I will see you in the evening after you finish work.
Think about what I said (wrote) and try to understand what I meant.
The last thing I want to happen to us is us suffocating our love and not meaning to do that.I want to love you consciously and work towards supporting each others personal growth and self discoveries.
Love,
Chica"

that's my letter to Hershe..things didn't turn out as well as I hoped...

to be continued..

End of April...already

As you may have noticed - Internet is the biggest deficit in my life at the moment..but fortunately there's plenty of other things to compensate that..such as..ehm..sunshine, the Ocean..dolphins right under my window at work (imagine pouring a pint and watching dolphins playing away..well..actually I had to take out my binoculars and press myself against the window and force myself quiet every time after I screeched with excitement..every time I saw them jumping and diving into the blue Ocean again..but ..you get the picture, don't you?), Herse next to me..with Her constant panic attacks and over pouring love..and yes - it wouldn't be the same without the maturing bloody fantastic sex..which just makes you fucking smile! Few interesting people who keep reappearing on the other side of the bar. An English artist who is expecting a written report on his piece which is hanging in the Abbey..should mention that I haven't actually seen it yet..
and then there's Charlie..oh..Charlie..He's a 32 years old male from England as well..recently survived a horrific car crash, three months in coma and now rewriting his life story. He's a very spellbinding talking partner..and I'm sure that a bystander could entwine the (sexual) energy between us. Which makes the action of discussion even more interesting and passionate. But I know that I'm playing with fire..until he finds out that I'm living with someone. Surely he senses something (or more realistically has heard something) about me and Herse, and he has even failed few attempts to scrutinize about the depth of our relationship. It has been fun and very entertaining.
What else... our boss still abominates Herse..I've given up on trying to start a conversation with my boss.can't be bothered. She's an old miserable c*** who just needs a good fuck to put the bloody smile back on her face. She started working here to her mum when she was 12 years old and that was about forty years ago..still single..no children..

our housemate, Lord Darren, is a pure angel..such a sweet and innocent heart and a good company. He will be missed when we take of to our little trip..
Speaking of which..
So we are flying out on the seventh of June to Portugal, Lisbon. after long nights of calculating (hhahahaha..read out..lifting cans of beer and repeating "we should definitely start planning now.." " Yeah, we should indeed.") we decided to get the flight to Lisbon (cheapest option) and find a pair of used bikes from there. So that's the plan.. And, oh yeah, ordered Europe's road atlas yesterday..
So that's the short description of what has recently happened and just to say, that please do keep on checking my blog. I will detail it up as soon as i can pull myself together and go a bit deeper what's going on in my head..but for now..oh goodness sake - the sun is shining and it's violating my human rights to sit inside..gotta go!!!!!!

no Internet. no phone coverage. Will publish my notes from my notebook one day. Flying out to Portugal 7th June.

Isle of Iona

We got to the island on Monday evening..despite starting our journey from Fort Augustus at 9.43 am. After three buses, two ferry rides, a warm welcome with fresh milk in the fridge (current flatmate doesn't drink milk herself ) and a refreshing pint of lager I soon realized that every thing's gonna be alright. The vibes in the place were positive...or should I now say the spirits of the land said so..
even all the signs I've received so far have showed me that I'm on the right track..found a heart shaped piece of glass just a day before leaving FA and a heart shaped pebble today :)
It's my first day off today, had a nice wonder around on the north side of the island, saw the breathtaking turquoise ocean, sandy beach..and felt so content. Yesterday I met Polly (who quite obviously was Paul before) with her little Jack Russel called Moon and she gave me a green pebble from Columba beach which she blessed and loaded with positive energy, I took the green pebble up to the hill top and rested it amongst the other stones an pebbles gathered to form a statue of luck..or something like that, asking the Soul of
Earth or the Hand of Destiny to keep us together. I know, I know - don't say a word...
Having spent few sunny hours climbing on the rocks and measuring the sand dunes I frightened myself with a realisation of the complexity of my own thought - it would be difficult to write it down but it was something similar to a picture in a picture effect.. I was having a thought about how I had a thought and I was thinking of sharing the thought with Hershe when I realized the absurdity of the situation and thinking about telling how i realised how ridiculous thought I had which was like a never ending track on a broken vinyl. blah..that doesn't really make any sense, does it..Basically I got lost in my own thought and I didn't know how to stop it or find a way out..

The Egg, by Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.