Fortunately I couldn't afford to enjoy my hangover suffering saga for long because I was asked to cover for someone. So instead I spent my evening with my shaking body and shivering hands carrying out food and drinks..it went smoothly. I wasn't sure about my full consciousness tho.
Things have changed a lot. And the biggest change happened on Christmas Eve. That is on my Christmas Eve which we celebrate on 24 instead of 25th.
I'm actually not quite sure how it happened or why. But I am sure of one thing and that is - obvious happiness which is blended with pure confusion and excitement. A concoction or what!
As usually we headed off to the pub.
Few drinks
And few more
And someone started to get very close to me. You know how it works, don't you..
So one thing led to another and somehow, let's say- accidentally, we ended up under one duvet.
Nothing special you may think ..but..
Since then on..I feel such excitement, such mysterious attraction. I haven't been able to eat since then. I'm being emotionally paralysed and I don't know what it is. Someone has crawled into my mind and heart and I'm like a graving puppy who can't stay away..
And she..yes..SHE has rotated my orientation..up side down..
I'm actually still very confused and a bit lost so I'm struggling to describe it or analyse it..Is there a way to understand it? Do I want to understand it?
Or is it - as long as I'm happy..
She has put a hex on me..

it's 13:57 and I'm still in bed. I think it's wise not to start fighting with the gravity right now.
Continuous massive explosions of pain bombs in my head are trying to tell me something and they seem to have a deal with my gut which isn't happy either. In one word - I think I'm dying of hangover.
Purely my own fault
Must take a shower
must take a shower

OK

I'll throw myself over board and cross fingers that I'll land close to my shower gear.
Wish me luck!!!

daily wisdom

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

snow traying.

had a fun day.Finished work at about half ten am, got three flask fulls of mulled wine, bin bags and two wooden serving trays and went on the hills with fellow crazysts to do some hard core snow boarding..ehm snow traying..
recommend to everyone - go and rediscover your inner child..I'm still copying with the laughter pain.

monster diaries

Living on the shores of Loch Ness has shown me the power of media and the stupidity of tourism - they all come here to see the monster!! The monster, whose existence is highly debatable and not very plausible..but we all need some wonders and magic, some stories to believe in.
And then comes another coach full of Asian people to take a picture of themselves standing on the shore of Loch Ness. Wow..that's truly impressive..
With exception of picturesque scenery, there's not much in here. It's a tiny village with a garage and two shops. A post office. Handful of souvenir shops, few takeaways and cafes, which are mainly open in the summer. Plus 5-6 pubs to meet all the different needs.
I can count myself to be a regular in a small and tacky workers pub where I usually end up with my housemates. And by housemates I mean the crazy people sharing the staff accommodation in our hotel's loft. There's an absolute nutter Australian girl with evidential interest in same gender. She's great fun. She enjoys her daily drink.
A Scottish lad with Backstreet Boys obsession. He's a genuinely nice guy who enjoys his daily drink. An undiscovered dance talent.
A Slovakian girl who can't make her private life enough public as it is already. She's a trustworthy companion who enjoys her daily drink.
We also have an experienced Polish climber whose expedition stories are systematically avoided, a quiet ex soldier from Hungary, another Scots who clearly thinks he's the God's best present to women in the whole wide world...let him think so in peace. Plus few more people with interesting and not so very interesting stories to share.
I've been officially declared to be a weirdo and therefore asked to company all the pub trips which tells me one thing and one thing only - from the moment the title Weirdo was attached to my name, I knew I'm in. I'm part of them now. A part of a gang of weirdos who can't find a way home even for Christmas.. And it makes me happy. I don't have to pretend anymore.
Before I came here, my former colleagues warned me not to make any jokes for at least a month. I really tried..but wasn't very successful..But it seems that they don't mind me of who I am. Bless them!

cheers for massive cock ups!!

Well here it is again - the oppressed me..the tiger has been let loose again and oh, my God I really messed it up again..big time this time (as usually) but - huh-what the heck - that's what life's for - for big massive cock ups!!!! And I'm the master of it all!!! OH yeah!! Though I will most definitely burn in hell forever for this one..
The funny side of it is that.. I'm not so disturbed about it as I would've been few years ago..and he's only seventeen..
Well, what can you do - young flesh is young flesh!
But what draws me into situations and temptations like these?
What made me click about this young man?
Was it the atmosphere - the luxurious cocktail lounge in the candlelight..his well hidden talent as a piano player..or the admiration he got from the audience for playing those tunes, for mastering the piano with his skilled fingers running along the keys..what unleashed the sudden lust?
I'm afraid I can not answer that question..but I'm sure the answer is somewhere in my subconscious and it leads back to my childhood (at least that's what they always say in the movies on the psychiatric sofa..)
Hmmm..should we actually hold ourselves back when it seems a bit inappropriate, when it's not exactly the norm of the society..
Should we really?
And miss all that fun that life has to offer us?!!
Think twice..

staff parties are evil! Dead Monday.

when God is silent and we are blind

In November's Christianity magazine John Buckeridge talks about our restricted myopic compassion and mentions that God calls on you and me to have a varifocal lens of love that can care for the near , middle distant and far away.
As much as I try , as much as I care, as much as I need.. I can not persuade myself to agree with the need to widen my circle of compassion. I have no more compassion left.
Life has turned into a constant fight to tame my compassion so I could actually think about myself, so I could enjoy a drop of fresh water in the nature without thinking about the consequences of marketing bottled water and thirsty Haitians; about the little misunderstandings between South Korea and North Korea; about Coca Cola's purified tap water Dasani they launched in 1999 etc, etc.
Am I being selfish? I think I am. But why not..
"The silence of God is one thing, but the silence of half of the world while the other half starves to death is quite another"
What can I say. That's how it is and always will be. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR ALL OF US ANYWAY! Why is it so hard to understand that?
Next to those slightly depressing articles I found one quite amusing one - A reader's concerned letter about using sex toys.
"Is it OK for Christians to use sex toys?"
I mean, Jesus-fucking- Christ, did Jesus masturbate , I would ask?!!
Maggie Ellis claims that God has given us all we need within our natural bodies and minds to fully satisfy and bless because that is His design..and that we absolutely do not need sex toys nor will they make our sex life better. But she recommends to incorporate toys to making love TOGETHER..
But what about single occupancy in bed, should we not give ourselves the pleasure to enjoy our own company, to give a helping hand to release the stress and feel that cosmic power that a decent orgasm releases?
I think we do and if that means that I'll have to purchase myself a whole new box of toys..then that's what I'll do.
And so should You!
:)
Long live toys!

chin up!

Just something very motivating we have on our staff kitchen wall..

Jerry is the manager of a restaurant. He is always in a good mood.

When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would always reply:

“If I were any better, I would be twins!”

Many of the waiters at his restaurant quit their jobs when he changed jobs, so they could follow him
around from restaurant to restaurant

Why?

If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was always there, telling him how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Because Jerry was a natural motivator.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him:

“I don’t get it! No one can be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?”

Jerry replied, “Each morning I wake up and say to myself, I have two choices today. I can choose to be in a good mood or I can choose to be in a bad mood.

I always choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be victim or I can choose to learn from it. I always choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I always choose the positive side of life.”

“But it’s not always that easy,” I protested.

“Yes it is,” Jerry said.

“Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk every situation is a choice.

You choose how you react to situations.

You choose how people will affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood.

It’s your choice how you live your life.”

Several years later,

I heard that Jerry accidentally did something you are never supposed to do in the restaurant business.

He left the back door of his restaurant open

And then in the morning, he was robbed by three armed men.

While Jerry trying to open the safe box, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination.

The robbers panicked and shot him.

Luckily, Jerry was found quickly and rushed to the hospital.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.…

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, “If I were any better, I’d be twins.Want to see my scars?”

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.

“The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door,” Jerry replied.

“Then, after they shot me, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or could choose to die. I chose to live.”

Jerry continued, “The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine.

But when they wheeled me into the Emergency Room and I saw the expression on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.

In their eyes, I read

„He’s a dead man..

I knew I needed to take action.”

“What did you do?” I asked.

“Well, there was a big nurse shouting questions at me,” said Jerry. “She asked if I was allergic to anything.”

‘Yes,’ to bullets, I replied.

Over their laughter, I told them: “I am choosing to live. Please operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.”

“Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude.

I learned from him that every day you have the choice to either enjoy your life or to hate it.

The only thing that is truly yours -that no one can control or take from you –is your attitude, so if you can take care of that, everything else in life becomes much easier.

Caledonian Canal in Fort Augustus

updating the location and talking about modern slavery

It was a little bit too much to hope that some of this great technology worked..
The view from my door - straight down!
I'm not sure but I think it was meant to be kitchen corner..under the staircase opposite the toilet
This place under the staircase is a place where to get yourself ready to work..it's a shame you can't see the autumn leaves on the floor and feel th ecold breeze or smell the stink coming from the toilet/shower next door...
This is the room where I had to climb in through the window. Very pleasantly clean

The door from my room..the lock was broken and I had to put a plastic bag to keep the door shut..because of the draft..And from that picture you can see how clean it was on my arrival and how welcoming filthy mattrass was waiting for me...



As my job finished with the season in Mallaig I spent a week doing pretty much nothing and enjoying it. Then looked for a job.

I was offered a place back in England. In a brand hotel. The Green King's chain. A hotel belonging to Old English Inns ..In Cotswolds. Everything sounds quite nice, doesn't it? It's a lovely hotel.. The Old Manse..( http://www.oldmansehotel-gloucestershire.co.uk/ ), The front of the house seemed great. Because it's quite long way down there from the Highlands, I phoned them up to ask some questions before I go all this way down ..and perhaps for nothing. After the phone call everything seemed to be just perfect. I was even told to take all my belongings so I could move right in..
The phone call was on Sunday.
I hopped on the train on Monday morning.
Got to Birmingham eight pm. Stayed over at my friends. And then went to Bourton-on-the-water. And it was a long ridiculous joke!
After still having to fill in a job application and having a stupid interview as I applied for a director's place I was told that they actually haven't got the advertised position and I was offered some alternatives..and then I was sent away with words that they have few more interviews and they will call me.
So I went to a B&B and then I had a call in the evening and was asked to come straight away. I stayed in the B&B and told them that I'm coming in the morning. when I went there in the morning ..no one knew that there's a new person coming..so after waiting for hours in the lounge for further instructions I was sent to the staff house..and after that I made up my mind within three hours that I don't have to go through this..as much as I needed the job..
I was sitting in my "room" on my "bed"..having to climb in through a window (no keys)..I couldn't unpack my belongings. I went back to the hotel and talked to some of the kitchen staff (no sign of the manager)..and I heard some interesting things about working there..such as not having a day off for three weeks already for some people..and so one..
Finally I found an assistant manager, a young lady who was very helpful and concerned about my decision. I asked whether she had ever seen the staff house , she said no. And I showed her.She understood me..and said that she wouldn't be staying there either. Then she told that she had just started three day ago and she had already done 30 hours..with three days.
And I left..
Fortunately I had a place to stay for as long as I needed to. The place I used to be volunteer took me in.I stayed there from Wednesday til Sunday. Because I got a new place back in Scotland!! I actually thought that I was overreacting a bit about the place in Cotswolds because I didn't want to stay in England ..but I wasn't ..
And now I am back in Scotland and had my first working day again!

But the saddest thing is that someone is most likely already living there in this filthy room and earning one's pennies., Oh, nearly forgot - they charge for the accomodation 23 or was it 27 pounds a week! :)and there is no Internet connection in the room and phone coverige was agains the window..So if You would like to work there- they are looking for a new slave.

Paolo Nutini - These Streets (With Lyrics)

Btw I got my first response to all of the job applications I've sent. it was negative. But it was a response! that's a start!
So I'm not going to Channel Islands.

being busy with doing nothing

I've been unemployed since Tuesday.
I've heard that the suicide rate amongst unemployed is the highest.
I am unemployed
And I'm god damn happy about it!
I hear people going to work in the morning. Putting the cettle on and rubbing their sore eyes, trying to convince them that it's wise to stay open from now on..
And I'm in bed..
Still in bed..
And I quite enjoy it.
But I wouldn't like to do it for too long.
I shall pull myself together and do something..or go to somewhere.
Oh, I went to Inverness one day. I was planning to stay there for two days..but I came back with the next bus. It was HORRIBLE! No one said to me that theres like..people in there and I mean like loads of them..it was far too big for me..no familiar smiles nor faces, no one calling my name and waving bye or hi..just grey samelooking people, with filthy cigarettes in their hands, extra pounds trying to fight with gravity and red cheeked children staring their iPods or whatever consoles..and just grey and miserable..bouring down rain...
I was lost.
So I rushed back home, my housemates waiting for me. Put on Friends , filled our wine glasses and set ourselves comfortably in front of the fireplace. And I was home.

Pleasant surprise

I was pleasantly surprised when I received a letter few days ago, from Germany.
I met a photographer and we happened to go to the same place to take a photo, only at different times. And he uses a film camera, whereas I use a digital. But as I was very enthusiastic about his pictures and postcards (which he gave me), he promised to send me the picture he took as soon as he gets back to Dresden..So I received an amazing photo. Little things that bring out the sun!!

I started to like drinking milk.
Specially nice with Malibu.

Job search

As I experienced a ruthless time being without Internet, I learned something very valuable - jeeesas fucking Christ - how can ANYONE live without Internet!!!???!!!??!
No,
I'm just messing around
I learned that we bond ourselves with Internet so strongly, that when we lose it one day, everything seems to collapse..but it's only a deceptive delusion. But it takes few days..or weeks to realise that.. well anyway I'm back connected again and wanted to update my current situation and job search
Didn't have much response from the places I applied for , so I didn't apply to anywhere for a while and decided just to live day by day for a while..but as it turned out - I had..accidentally, very accidentally, applied for a cruise ship job..which I can't really remember doing of ..not to mention that I have no idea what so ever what position I applied for. But out of blue, they contacted me one day and informed me being shortlisted for the mysterious position and asked whether I was still interested in continuing with the application process.
Absolutely!
So, now I've done some sort of psychometric test to see if my character would be acceptable at all.
Right now I'm just working and waiting for the Yes or No answer..on the 1.November...between 16.00-18.00
Fingers crossed (though I'm quite aware of the slavery work and not so glamorous side of being a crew member..not a passenger on a cruise ship) ..but it sure would be an experience!!!
And My plan B is to stay in Scotland ..I LOVE THIS PLACE!! Which is not a very good news when one would like to see mooooore..

Go to Isle of Canna

Why?
Because there's three churches, one pub/cafee/restaurant, one primary school and...16 people
Fantastic place!

The Atlantic

waiting for The Call

black eyed beans and potatoes

Working as a waitress, one witnesses and plays along with multiple simple structured and well-known domestic abuse scenes.

The most common of all them diverges as follows: a merry and (what it seems) a carefree couple in their mid forties, having a casual yet a bit romantic lunch out. Holding hands may be involved. While the greeting and oh-what-a-lovely-whether-we-have-today chit chat plus taking the order process, the female party of the pair of two, is knowingly (or perhaps denyingly) showing off her newest accessory – the black eye.

Every time I find myself in a situation like this, I'm always standing there and being quite a bit bewildered by the preposterous act we're all in, by the smiles, the politeness and the “there's-nothing-wrong-in-the-picture” situation. Though we all KNOW what's going on...I mean – one has to be not so very bright to crack this one through..eehm..hence the eye..did you fell down the stairs again, Sue?

But what's behind this public act? Why does she go along with the theatre? Why are we all playing along?

My highly analysed theory (read out – thought about it during another sleepless night after a unit of home remedy was consumed) says that women stay in a relationship and what's more – go along with those acts , because these so called public acts are the only moments when she empowers the abuser, when she towers over him. When she is superior because he, he is crawling under the burden of guilt.

What usually, emphasising USUALLY, happens after a common domestic violence incident is that the abuser party feels quite guilty and is trying to bring down all the stars in the sky to make up for it, making him feel like on of the lowest of the low. And she knows it. Oh and she knows it well.

The more public and crowded the place – the bigger the pressure on the fist hero.

And it's the highlight of the week for her...or the highlight of the day..depending on the necessity to decrease the burden on his shoulders.

Bear in mind that it's purely my personal opinion..maybe the guys with heavy notebooks and glasses have something else to say and I got it all wrong.

And why are we making a face as nothing's wrong – because we have worries our own....we can't be bothered getting involved in something a bit more complicated than the dilemma whether to buy skimmed or semi skimmed milk..

Too inconvenient..too personal..

Fort William

next stop?

I've got only six more weeks to go in Mallaig..therefore I've started applying for my next place.
That was my first pick (15.09.10) : http://www.workaway.info/7742238644c8-en.html

No response so far..

Then I sent an email to those guys: http://www.workaway.info/000000000025-en.html

No response so far...

Yesterday I applied to become an elf in Lapland..no response so far..

Today I sent an application to this place: http://oreillys.nl/

let's see...I've still got six more weeks to go..

magical Knoydart

When you're working six days a week, up on your feet, the only thing you want to do on your day off is to hide yourself under that fluffy duvet...for the whole day. But at the same time, when it's your ONLY day off, living in an area indescribable ,then you just can't afford to waste it in bed. So I didn't. Dragged myself out of bed eight am..packed the old barely holding together rucksack (which someone had once upon a time left behind..), and went to search for normal hiking shoes and a raincoat (they promised it's going to rain). Returning with those purchased items plus a normal rucksack to Mallaig pier, I found myself smiling to seagulls, to dead fish lying on the pier and even to people. I got my ticket from a little brownish shed on the pier (18 £ for return ) and by 10.15 I was on the boat..or a vessel..or a ferry ..sorry Mr Bruce Watt ( http://www.knoydart-ferry.co.uk/ ).
As I was looking around on the boat I checked out my co passengers..some fancy dressed tourist, some couples, a young women and an elderly very ordinary looking couple who sat next to me. As we started to take off, I couldn't resist of taking a photograph of this old lady (the elderly looking couple).She was wearing the brightest head scarf, which was such a contrast to this grayish morning. And we started talking.
I will never ever judge people by their age or appearance again!! As it turned out, this elderly looking couple finished their round the world trip last year and six weeks ago they were in my home country!!!! Last time I was there was in February! So..we had something to talk about for a long time.
As we were sliding across Loch Nevis, the day grew brighter and brighter and people's faces turned happier and happier..everyone were laughing and chatting away, some silently admiring the rolling landscapes and passing hills.
For a moment the vessel filled with pure excitement when we spotted some dolphins...for a second.. and they were gone again..Everyone seemed to feel like they've just witnessed something very special and private..that we all shared together.
And then appeared Inverie. Little white houses on the mountainous green background. we were attached to the sight of the village.
Just before docking the young woman joined our conversation and we said goodbyes to the old couple. It was time to go. We landed, they continued their journey.
"In Knoydart Peninsula , there's a little village called Inverie (http://www.undiscoveredscotland.co.uk/knoydart/inverie/index.html).." said someone one day..and I knew straight away I had to go there..
Somehow I ended up spending my day in Inverie with this young women. Joanna was her name. We joined a little guided walk , all being ran by Knoydart Foundation (http://www.knoydart-foundation.com/home/). The sun was shining, people were merry and the ranger who walked with as was just an easygoing nature enthusiast who made you feel quite home and welcome (he seemed to have some kind of special relationship with rhododendrons though..).
We were walking by the wild river in front of the hills and Joanna had this strange urge to go for a swim..note that it was in September..so we left the group and practised some skinny dipping. What all you are willing to do with strangers for the sake of sense of freedom and life!
The river was truly freezing, mu nipples nearly fell off..but we knew that the trip would have been incomplete without this little monkey business.
After our refreshing dip we lied on the shore of the river..not a word was said..it was the moment to remember. I closed my eyes, felt the sun and warm breeze on my face. I felt the peace, the fellow feeling with this stranger next to me..everything just seemed so right at this moment..
But we had to move back because the ferry was going to pick us up at 3.00 pm but before going back there was something else we had to do. The Old Forge - UK mainland's remotest pub ( http://www.theoldforge.co.uk/ )!!!
I had this perfect plan in my head in the morning - that it's going to be a grey rainy day and I'm going to have a hot cup of tea and whisky in The Old Forge..but the bloody sun was shining so bright that it ruined my plans..so.. I skipped the tea..
I will not waste any words on The Old Forge..because it's the place you have to come to yourself ..it's the experience of emotions you get from that place. A Must Visit.
And our journey back to Mallaig lasted about three hours..dropping someone off and picking someone up in Tarbet. And a little tour to a lovely hidden place where the seals were sunbathing.
We were offered a cup of tea and biscuits on the ferry. It was just a lovely, lovely day out. A day to remember indeed. And many thanks to Joanna and this lovely elderly travelling couple and the local ranger who made this day worth remembering.

fancy being a waitress/waiter for a change?!?

Working as a waitress has many advantages( yes- I am being serious about this flying high and achieving my goals/reaching full potential occupation).
Firstly - don't tell me you've never wondered what's behind those "Staff Only" doors!! So, one has FREE access to following:
"Staff Only" mysterious rooms;
delicious food which one couldn't be bothered to cook oneself in the evening after hard labour;
different cultures and languages from your working time (specially on the high season);
cafetiere coffee, americano, latte, cappuccino con panna, espresso, ristretto - you name it!;
insight to EVERY local's personal life (even if one wishes not to dive into those current affairs);
house specials special ingredients and secrets;
usage of wonder equipments such as Orderman (you may have noticed those little blackish touchscreen gadgets waiters and waitresses are using to scribble down your order on a sunny day in a beach restaurant;
if you are lucky enough to work in a stylish place..then fancy costumes, outfits are guaranteed;
and most of all - free access to handsome vulnerable foreign travellers :D

living my dream

As I said last time - I can't do this anymore..therefore I checked out some little jobs in a web page called www.workabout.uk.com and got a little job in Scotland. Booked the train and ..started my journey on the 17th August. Stayed overnight in Glasgow and arrived Mallaig the next day.
I can stay here till the end of November. What happens next? Who knows!
Mallaig is an idyllic little fisherman's village just by the coast and I'm loving it. I really am happy at the moment and as soon as I can gather some of my thoughts, I'd like to share them..

my super hero

long live sexy hairdressers who can fix everything and make us smile again!!!!!!!

curse the scisssors!

I'm on the night shifts..loooong nights.. I've been keeping my eye on those green scissors hanging on the kitchen wall..equanimously staring at me every time I pass them...i can hear them hanging there..those creepy little green scissors..
One more night to go, then it's the hairdresser's..only this night...and in the morning I can go and have my hair done..by a professional.
I won't touch those scissors, they will not come near to may hair..not this time..I've suffered enough...
hanging
hanging...
empty hook!
Doh!!!! And before I even realised ..I was standing in front of the life sized mirror..horrific scene unrolling in front of me..those green little devil's helpers tightly squeezing my fingers..and hair ..my poor little screaming helpless hair hitting the ground..
There I was ..once again..tresses all over the floor..covering each other..trying to remain their dignity ..I raised my eyes and saw this girl in the mirror..with a BLOOODYY fringe!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!! not again!!!!!!

Scotland it is!

So..I got a job in Scotland ..I'll finish here on Tuesday lunch time..hmm..it gives me approximately five hours to hop on a train and head towards Highlands..it's only 15 and a half hours long journey..
A nice little job in a backpackers hostel til the end of October..it gives me plenty of time to save a bit for my next destination..where ever that will be.
Hmm..lovely..feel like living again! Feel like I'm getting my mojo back again!
Screw the world of future, the world of newest IPad and the world of bank statements..I just want to enjoy the moment..the present. To see and feel..and oh yeah - I can smell the sea then!!!
It's good that I get bored of situations so quickly - it keeps me going :)

before I leave England - I must go to Brighton!

snappadisnap

so here it is ..something snapped in me yesterday..and I thought- I can't go on like this..not any more..and I'm going to escape again! I can already feel the smell of freedom. Once more..I've got my holiday request in for the 17th of July but i think that they can stick the job up ****** because I'm not coming back anymore! We live only once and I don't want to waste my life on watching someone fading away..huh...I'm going to live!!!
All I have to do know is to find a destination..well I've still got seven more days to go..on the night shift..
Will update soon
Mallorca?
Scotland?
Where shall I start...
:D

shall we go on a date..with stranger..?

hahahaha I did something really stupid yesterday..was just browsing The Guardian and "accidentally" clicked on a dating page...guardian soul mates or whatever it was..and registered myself...then spent most of my night browsing through some weird looking and some not so weird looking guys..Petey was quite nice though..and thought to myself - I remember one having an opinion (not so very positive one) about people trying to find so called soul mates from Internet or newspapers or dating agencies...or God knows from where .that there must be something wrong with those people..why else are they still single?!! ...and here I am - joining the long ques of cyber loners..oh..that's pathetic.. :)
But is there anything wrong with me then as well..ehm..I can't answer that one..or can I..
well anyway..fortunately .. somehow..I can't log in to this account anymore...and I think that's for the best..waking up in the morning with fresh and clear head..makes me laugh when I think back about yesterdays brief encounter with a dating site...
No, thank you!
or still....

escape

I asked someone to sell all his belongings and meet me in the airport to disappear with me..to leave everything and come and live a life without boundaries ..without time, without duties...without electricity bills..without could and endless winters..so I could just walk away without returning..without leaving any notice or explanation to my company, relatives, acquaintances..
I always want to disapppear but I don't know why..Maybe I want to run away from expectations.
Anyway..I'm still here..guess some people are attached to their possessions more than I am..I mean it isn't very hard to let go of ..well.pretty much - nothing..

Yesterday I was sitting outside on the terrace while my client was having some "quality time" with her son..and as I looked up the sky, to find some strength, I saw swans soundlessly flying over the house..the wind was warm and soft but empty and bleak.. and at that moment I knew that autumn had crept over us again..then I started to notice maple leaves chasing each other, empty garden chairs, horses trying to find comfort under a tree..and it was all so sad..so beautifully painful..it really hurt. I felt my eyes filling with tears and I knew I had to be strong ..after all - I was on duty..
But a bare thought of having another lonely autumn was just too much. Man is nothing without closeness..
I don't know how much longer can I take it. Moments like this are really testing me

I was just thinking here that euthanasia should not only be legalised, I would also introduce a Vegetating Tax. So the old saying: "pay or day" would get a new meaning..or the same meaning actually..
Too harsh?

Black sheep

weird. I remember someone saying that when everything's OK..then there's nothing to write about. Well..I've got nothing to write about.

connected

It's my first day with A CONNECTION..after a month..
Somehow I thought that it would be a very nice idea for a young vibrant person to start working as a live-in carer. I've been on a placement for four weeks now..in even more remote place I was before..there's still a bit sense left in me..a tiny bit..I think
I ordered a laptop from my very first salary..from my very own very first salary in UK. Last Monday. Got it this morning..had to chase the delivery man barefoot. Don't think he will ever come here again..
I'll be released on the 20th of July...
i'll better start downloading everything that has piled up in me..
coming soon: euthanasia - for the future or for us?
choices we make
don't leave things unsaid
fair line from sanity to insanity

etc

Mrs J.

Through a window
hidden in ivies
the world seemed to stand
Through the window
I saw my land
my past my future
my helping hand.
Through this window
came the silence
broken by the wind
came and took my dignity
my past, my present and my will
I no longer exist
behind this window
I am the window
I am the ivy
the silence
and the wind
I am still..
as still as 96 years can ever be..

can't stay behind!

football footbaLL Football football football football footbal

football football foootBall football FOOOtballll

football

football

fooTball

footbAll

football

Foootballlllllll
football, football, football, football, football



Football

football

footBall football

footbal, football

so close and yet so far

It's not the matter of whether HE exists or not. It's the matter of believing. and I came to a terrible realisation that if it' s the matter of believing then it's the matter of imagination..and if it's the matter of imagination...then... "Everything you can imagine is real" ...

And then comes the little paradox..I imagine, therefore it's real. But it's only my imagination..then it does not exist!!

And I had some hope that if I could find a way to believe, my existential anxiety would fade away..but now - it's even worse!! There's no point! even the necessity to discuss whether He exists or not has no point anymore..

Have to start all over again..

point, please?

argh..too many people around me..too many. I love people, couldn't survive without them..and yet I can't stand them.. they're everywhere...their breeeding and multiplying and gathering triple as fast as love sick rabbits..and it's summer and they're all smiling and being merry and jolly and weird..smiling..weird..happy...weird..together...weird..in pairs..weird..

and I'm .. weird...merry..and happy..and jolly as well..but..on my own

It must be the sunburn talking..Gardening..sun..

I was just wondering what if we're like weeds..weeds to someone greater..who just plucks us out whenever one chooses.how terrrible and frightening..and pointless..I think I'm starting to loose a bit of motivation..being an ant in this world is ..nothing..being a passer by in this world..is really quite nothing..

I see happy mothers doing their shopping and fathers walking in the gas station with a paper under their arm..

Children going to the school.

people stopping in the streets and talking to one another

girls selling tin beans in Tesco

couples trying to pick the right furniture for their new home..with a wonderful mortgage

I see myself making up bed in the morning

life is ..oh..what is it?

why am I here?

what am I supposed to do?

go with the flow?

You know..like you where in the airport for the very first time..a bit confused and lost..and a bit lonely and you just went with the flow..till you got outside into the fresh air..

feels a bit like this. But will there be this revivifying breeze waiting for me..

sometimes I have this "Sunday morning with pancakes" feeling..when everything feels so good and so right. Sunday morning with pancakes always feels so ..so..right. when the sun is playing on the floor and drawing patterns on the wall

then it's peaceful and then the time stops

but on all the other occasions time doesn't stop..it keeps ticking an ticking and it's frightening..because sometimes even best watches stop ticking and then they will be sent straight into the bin..where all the other ticking stop thingies are waiting..

Is there something I'm supposed to be doing?

Have I missed something?

Will I really be doing the same thing for hundred years ..OK..OK..maybe for 78 years..day after day?!

Waking up in the morning

Eating

shitting

working

eating

shitting

working

socialising

eating

shitting

sleeping

waking up in the morning

eating

...

Please tell me that I've missed something and there's actually a point somewhere

Like some people hate just going for a walk because there's no purpose for it..well..what about life then..isn't it like a long walk.. a wander around..without a purpose..in a matter of individual?

The Past

Are we chasing the Past..or is the Past chasing us?

the frog business and Ron Terada

the frog business didn't work out

I was waiting by the window for three days..no Prince

not even a Joker

So I'm solemnly digging into secrets of social work and probation..to keep myself away from myself.

The only one who's not letting go of me is Ron Terada. Is he my Prince?!

In some peculiar and unfathomable reason I keep going back to Ikon. To MR Terada. And after re-examining his Goldstein work.. more questions arose. On one canvas, there's a dot missing. a dot from a letter i..in a word strip. And a word naive has two dots.. Was it coincidental? Was it volitional?

What are those dots doing wandering around like this..

Did one dot went to visit the other one or did Mr Terada just FORGOT to add a dot on i?!

I was shown the original text and the dot was there!!!

Oh, Mulder and Scully- I need help..or was it A-Team's playground..

all the princes in the world..

Yesterday I kissed a frog. In the garden. To its lips..or somewhere in the nearby location

Nothing happened.

Well, they did send us a new lad from Germany..but..he's nothing close to what I asked and strongly prayed for-he reminds me of my brother and that's just creepy..

So I kissed another one today

So far..still nothing.

“If the human brain were simple enough for us to understand, we would be too simple to understand it”

this quote and the limits of human reasoning have been the subjects of the day. After a fierce discussion I found myself so utterly utterly satisfied. It feels as being in love. The ability to use our reason is as good as being in love.

Has human reason got limits? Could you fit it in a box, could you fully comprehend human reason..or human brain?

I don't think so...today..

As long as our brain has "dark corners" , we are still using our brain...or our reason, to lighten those corners. What if there wouldn't be any more dark corners..well...then there will be some other things to figure out and if there's some other things to figure out, it means that we are still creating those other things with our reason and with the same reason we are trying to comprehend them.

For example.. humans were able to lighten things about the Stars and about the Moon and the Sky without even using telescopes..they did it by using their reason..so after they had discovered those things..new aspects appeared to discover and so on and on..so it's like a never ending braid..

and if one day someone would accidentally know everything (and I mean absolutely everything)..then this person most probably wouldn't know that he knows everything..therefore..he actually wouldn't know everything

Friday night

I'm a single young woman. Wouldn't say that I'm esthetically challenged, if challenged..then maybe a bit mentally..but hey-who isn't!!??!!

Definitely still below my expiry date..

And how do I spend my Friday night- with a cup of tea in Mac...(which I despise..btw..) and a cheap cream cake (unknown origin)...and a middle aged gay man friend who thinks he is being eavesdropped..and that someone is controlling his mind and life...and his logorrhea..olllallaa..and I thought that I talk too much! Somehow he tends to think that I need to know every single tiny detail about his sexual life. OH.. WHY, LORD?! WHY!

But bless him..we all have our down moments..and I know how good it is when you have someone to rely on..someone to talk to.

Must dive back into a normal social life..brrrr..

What is a NORMAL SOCIAL LIFE?

some things need further investigation..

Back to Ron Terada

Having said that he just didn't float my boat, was an underestimation, a nice and polite why to say that I didn't understand. That I wasn't bothered to understand. So when we went back there, I took it as my mission to get to know his work, his message. I wasn't going to give up so easily!

Tortured the staff, debated, listened, asked and contemplated, I left contentedly , knowing that Ron Terada's work needs a closer look, needs time, needs some questions. And therefore his exhibition is even more challenging than Susan Collis's .

And after everything I kinda like it. Hmm..how bizarre...

Alfa human

It was just an ordinary day..an ordinary day in my concept..just another day when I made up my mind to be someone rather than to be just someone....on the day we went to see Susan Collis's exhibition "Since I fell for You", I decided to be an Alfa Human. I didn't step out the door thinking - I'll be an alfa human today..I didn't even know what an alfa human is..or how it looks like..or how it feels like to be one..

I took the term in use after Anu, who was talking about alfa pedestrians..she made some remarks to explain the necessity to improve my alfa pedestrian skills ( I have a habit to bump into people and other various obstacles).

so there we were..in Ikon Gallery..I was totally taken back by her work..I really found it brilliant. It worked..I walked in the room and ..I was ..hmm..confused..initial thoughts such as "oh, we're late. They've taken the exhibition down.."rushed through my mind..a little bit of sadness. then I realised that it must be it..because people were staring at the bits and pieces on the floor and ..they were investigating the walls..My second thought was: "oh, no..not another ultra modern stuff..like - look, I've put this junk on the floor ..Aren't I ingenious?!!" I've seen that kind of things and..well..you just can't call EVERYTHING art. There has to be a twist. Susan had a twist..everything I saw, was made out of noble metal and wood and ..pearls..and all that kind of things..it was just amazing..You have to see it yourself.

Anyway..after Susan it was Ron Terada's turn..and he just didn't float by boat..I couldn't get him at all..maybe it's just me..

But there was something..something that hooked me on the place..he had a soundtrack for his work..and it was set up in a separate dark booth with those comfy baggy thingies you can sit on.

So we took our places..and floated away to the dramworld..well..I did..she was a bit restless..Did I mention that the soundtrack lasted for 45 minutes...

While she was fiddling round I whispered to her:"We are alfa humans..." not sure if she understood me or not..

I felt sorry for those people..it's just pathetic..why didn't they come in? Why didn't they sit down with us..why didn't they sit down with two total strangers just for 45 minutes..in the dark room? They were pathetic - I could almost feel their uneasiness, their growing discomfort..I could read their thoughts..would it have been to ..too,too inconvenient..poor , poor people..can't even share a public place when there's a tiny bit of intimacy present!

And I've been telling people about my loyal little secret spirit..that there's someone with me..and I don't care what they think about me..It's my head, my world, my dreams and my imagination..so why can't I have my imaginary friends..the hole nation of Christians are aloud to have one..so why can't I have one..Still confirming myself that that's what makes me an alfa human..I dare to say out loud that I have imaginary friends! And why not?!

so I had been glowing my alfa human glory for two days when I sat down with our assistant manager and I asked her whether she was familiar with the alfa human theory (secretly hoping for a negative answer and a conformation that there is no such thing)..and ..she burst my bubble with such a delicate swing of machete as you can ever imagine..BANG!

Apparently alfa humans have always been human's utinam..to create someone who is über intelligent, über beautiful, fit and so on and on...über in every way

And didn't Nietzsche have something to say about alfa humans..and didn't he went a bit..you know..TOO into his own world? hmm... and Huxley is writing about alfa humans in his book "Brave New World"..

Well, well, well..

a gamma human then perhaps.....