I can reach...

Looking in the mirror, I saw someone who's supposed to be me..but those black under eyes do not belong to me..that's not me. I'm not the person who looks like someone who's being hit by a tram, after a night out. I refuse to get any older!

I do like to embarrass myself occasionally..

I asked from an Iranian guy : "How to you treat women in your country?"

He looked around and asked me : "Can you find me a stick?"

Always appreciate a good sense of humour!

Some things I've started to notice.

People don't tend to encourage others....not even themselves. Because I'm in a situation where I'm looking for The Big Thing in my life right now..and I want to make it right..I want to make it fun... I want to make it last..I mean - the fun part... What seems to be a bright outlook for me..usually turns out to be a bleak outlook to others. Discussing my ideas /dreams with someone (not all are the same though..), the response tends to be quite negative..suggestions are - "try to take it..hmm... a bit more quiet-coloured.." start from the lowest (talking about getting a job). "I don't think that's quite the right thing for you.." When I told that I really wish to work in a psychiatric hospital, people looked at me as I was the saddest little thing they've ever seen..as I needed to be rescued from the evil thought...or as I was brainwashed and there's nothing they could do for me. No one said that hey - go for it! As long as it makes you happy! As long as it's what you want!

Come on people - you can do better than this! Why do you underestimate others around you?!

Don't tell me that no one has ever told you that You can do anything you want!?! ANYTHING!!!

As long as you want.

A person who thought that I should take every chance that I'm offered, couldn't believe her ears when I told her that I refused one place..which would have meant ..for me..a very slow and painful death in the office..

I'm just a foreigner, I'm not bloody stupid!

Anyway..

the other thing is.. I'm torn in between Me-the-serious-one-who-wants-a-career-and-to-study and Me-fuck-the-world-let's-have-some-fun-I-have-time-to-do-serious-stuff-...-later!

And the fact that these two Me characters are fighting every day...who's stronger and whose volition will dominate, doesn't actually help me..

But at least I know that I will reach my destination one day..wherever or whatever it'll be - I'll get there..

And no ignoranus will ever make me feel that I'm less..less than..who I am.

CommuniCatiOn

Best selection of today's experiments with the camera. Satisfied? Oh, yes!

favourite T-shirt

Got it from my brother..love him to bits!

what can I give You?

"I don't know why do I do it!? Don't get it! I mean..it's not like I'm particularly enjoying it..in fact - it's so flippin painful and uncomfortable and ..and ..I tend to pass out."

"Because you're a good person." says Gracie, a little nurse with raisin eyes.

Oh, hell..I can feel the needle entering my vein..my first "Oh Shit Moment" this day..

Good person..good person..

Because I feel better after that? How am I a good person then? I'm not doing it for others..I'm doing it for myself. I want to feel better! I do feel better after!

Is she saying it to all donors? Did she say it to someone else maybe..was there anyone standing behind me..

Actually, I don't even think about it when I do it...it feels..natural.

I think I want to give more.

Hmm..what else can I give?

Chalk and Cheese

"You two are the most unlikely people to become friends!" our chef says with a surprised expression and a warm smile..

Yes we are.

She's been the blessing in disguise and I've been the blind who's been pushing aside a basket full of free chocolate digestives.

In a funny sort of way it's quite sad how we can't see people around ourselves..the ones who really deserve our attention. The drops in the bucket.

Here's a fragment from my first post:

"My current situation: sharing a room with a smart ass who thinks she understands everything on the god damn planet and that she can solve all the problems with a bloody plan! and ..and who happens to be my best friend."

Yes, I'm still talking about the same person.

I remember telling her, before she came here, that everything will be OK as long as we don't have to share a room..yee right..after our first visit to the pub, I ended up in her room and ..I think it was on the next day when she moved in to my room..can't remember anymore. And it's been great.

I know..sometimes she drives me up the wall. Especially when I say something, something meant as a joke and she wants to talk about it or find some kind of logic in it. Arghh! That's a real tough case!

And sometimes she makes me smile, even when she's not around..ok, ok..usually she makes me smile. For example. One day I was walking down the stairs and someone asked me what was I smiling about on my own...and the thing was that I remembered her saying: whenever me and her ex should fly together to visit her (at the same time), then we must take separate planes..(like real royalties).Because she couldn't afford to lose us both, in case of a plane crash.or a terror act or something like this..How sweet is that??!! And she's not the type of person who says a lot..I mean - that kind of stuff.

Anyway..I was thinking about how come we still fit together?

And I think it's because we are aware of each other's differences. We don't always understand each other but we are more likely to accept one's bizarre reactions and behaviour because we know our characteristics and we are interested in it. at least I am. I think she is as well...And we can talk about it. And we do..

I know that I don't do logic..but she does. I know that She doesn't do abstract ..but I do ..and we know it.

I know that she wants to be sure..I don't care

I'm the type of "brushing-my-teeth-over-the-sink" and she's the one "brushing-and-walking-around-the-house-and-knitting-at-the-same-time"

She could draw me a finance plan for my future with a Gypsy passion..I hate numbers.

She can write a 5+ essay about Soviet reign and it's impact on us..I can write about litter bin and autumn leaf's affair and their children's efforts to join the group of emigrants to escape to Reykjavik.

We can buy a pack of mixed fruits and nuts and I can eat all the raisins and she can have the nuts.

Beer for me, cider for her.

She is sincere, I have life's higher education in role swapping

I sleep with one pillow, she's got hundreds of them in her bed

She's down to earth, I'm up in the clouds

I do..and then think, maybe. She thinks and then does, maybe.

I crawled in the fridge one day to see how it feels like to be in a closed fridge. She refused to shut the door. So I had to do it myself. She refused to take pictures of me, while I was running down the steps. So I had to run down anyway to show that it doesn't really effect anything whether I'm doing it while she's shooting or not.

She is consistent..I'm consistent as well.only in different subjects..every day

She's calm , I've got fierce temper. Terrible

She likes facts, I like emotions caused by the facts

I think that we are each other's research objects.

I'm starting to realise the meaning behind the saying "opposites attract"..There's so much I would like to know.How she thinks, how she "works"..and it's interesting. There's so much to learn..and after every lesson it gets easier and easier to communicate. You just have to make an effort to understand..to accept. That's what I would call a mature friendship. No cheesy word has been waisted. It's a serous business!

And she's been away for almost a week and it's been like a vacation..but like a vacation in a wheelchair..

Acknowledge the people you have around you..an acquaintance is not a friend. Recognise your friend(s) and respect them with your time and appreciation. And they will do so.

Thank you, Anu, for your unconditional friendship.

unspoken

More than two weeks ago I heard a radio show about grief and dealing with the loss of a loved one..how people overcame their pain (or didn't) and how others around one should behave. They took calls in and read out emails..one after another. And then one call came through..I recognised the voice..and I've listened the recording (thank you, Almighty Internet!) over and over ..and over again. He knew what he was talking about, he knew and he said something (or rather many things..) that has kept me in a highly troubled state ..since : "Don't leave anything unsaid before it's too late.." and yet...he said nothing.

And I have said nothing.

Nor have You said anything..

Only They say..and they say everything, behind our backs, behind your back ..in whisper, in shame..vociferate disdainfully.

All the things I want to say..there's so many things, there's too many things.. where runs the line between the things that should be said out loud to you and you and to You as well and the ones that should remain unsaid in various inexplicable reasons..Some words..some names..some memories..some thoughts, ideas and wishes..

Can I hide some things from myself or should I shout out loud to my brain: " You goddamn missing link, you pathetic relict of common sense - let, oh please do, your fanfuckingtastic Heart to speak for itself!"

Or maybe I ought to step out and close the door behind me, breath in the fresh and vivid concoction of hope, dreams and joy..to leave my mercurial mind for the Worms of Past..

And to be fair - there really isn't anything to say..

An ordinary day

Started to learn British Sign Language today..in a hope to increase my chances to get a job that would..suit me more..and because I was bored. Totally love it.

she's my new affection

importance of becoming "human"

Having read Augusten Borrough's memoirs I can't stop thinking about my own family. There have been occasions where I just couldn't stand none of the members of this unit..well..I guess that can be called puberty..and can be excused..but..a bit by bit I'm secretly starting to like them, starting to accept them (whether they will accept me is another matter), even starting to be (in a way) proud of my "not-so-very-nuclear" family. Or how else could you call a corporation consisting of an evergreen depressive/suicidal mom; mousy alcoholic dad; teenage pregnancy sister; gay brother; constantly homeless under aged sister who, at the moment, happens to live with my ex; little ones (I think three and four years old.. a boy and a girl) who seem to be growing up in my grandparent's place and there are some memories about another sister who died when she was only two years old..And then there's my granny and it's my strong belief that she's the one who's holding all of that kettle of fish together; my granddad (also an alcoholic plus a heavy, heavy, heavy smoker..oh yeah-just remembered-I'm still not smoking!) and my aunt with her two sons..occasionally her husband as well.

Yeah...

My family..really miss them right now.

BTW, I picked up a new hobby - I started to stare. Stare at people. To be accurate - into their eyes while I'm talking to them. Especially effective with strangers. It's quite satisfactory to see how discomfort and nervous people get..when I don't take my eyes away from their eyes..not even for a second. It all started with a healthy curiosity - who turns away first..they do. Had a pretty good opponent in Ikon gallery, after watching João Maria Gusmão and Pedro Paiva's exhibition "On the Movement of the Fried Egg and Other Astronomical Bodies" we had some questions we needed answers to and the guy who we talked to, turned out to be a opponent. He was itching a bit and turned away a lot but still..nine points..

But all this (everything above this line) is nothing I planned to write.

I was looking for a job. What ever..as long as I'll find something. And I had a phone call on Friday..from Northern Ireland, offering me a place. Time for relocation - ten days. OK. I can do that. And I thought that this would really please my sister as well, she's always wanted me to have a decent job or something like that. Once in a while she says to me :"See, you're almost becoming human!"

But I don't want to become "human"!!!! I want to be me. I will never be a decent office bird (no offence to anyone!) or a ..or a..I don't even know what normal people do.. I want to work in a lunatic asylum, I want to be a personal assistant to a crazy professor who's just about to change the world but can't find his own socks, I want to work at nights because sleeping at night seems a bit of a waste..I want to..to do something unpredictable!

So I'm going to turn down this offer and spend another month or so looking for something I WANT to do. I need a job, I want a job but it has to be something I would enjoy.

And anyway..why do we have to be so "human", so "in borders", why do we have to eat toast in the morning not in the evening?!

Shackled to housekeeping?

All the things in the house..even the ones that seem to deserve only your scornful smile, have their own second lives..the ones you dream about..the ones you live..the ones they only imagine..but as even Picasso once said (hmm must have been a while ago..) :"Everything you imagine is real"..so..it was just another sunny day when she took her little purple iron , called Polly, for a little walk..and off they went..

Joke of the day

"Chica, if the world would be full of people like you, then half of the world's population would gas themselves!"

It's been a good day. Good indeed.

On Saturday I took my Cambridge CAE exam and on the white board was written:

"START

FINNISH"

Good for you England!

just an hour later..

That's it! That really, fucking, does it!! Now I'm seriously pissed off!!! Screw the world! Yes. There..I said it.

AAARGGHH!

So typical - I tried so hard, I tried very, very hard to have a "feeling great" day. And I had. So far. And then, somewhere, somehow something still went wrong..and everything ended with an enormous emotionaAl crash! How annoyingly typical! How predictable!

I don't know what to do any more. I just wanted to have a cheerful day. I wanted to be normal, just like they are. By "they" I mean those people who have the skill to stick a stupid constant "keep smiling" thingy in their stupid fucking face. Side remark - I'm filled with immense rage.

What a failure..

I've been trying everything..I mean I've been trying out some methods to cut off the tether of gloominess:

tried to think good and sunny thoughts (and it's not as easy as it may seem)

tried to distract my negative thoughts with nice things..chocolate..

listened to good music

lots of physical training to get rid of my stress

read humorous books

tried to be nice to people (see how far my despair has pushed me -tried to be nice to PEOPLE!)

daily basis masturbation (have to say that this one helped a bit)

relaxation

tried to smile as much as humanly possible

Conclusion - WASTE OF TIME!

What have I done wrong in this world?! How come so simple thing as being merry, is something so insurmountable for me?

My aspirations towards my malcontent condition has become my crusade and I'm bloody hellbent to get there! And nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing will curtail my chances to get there...yeah..nothing..

Though it sure feels that sulkiness, anguish, contempt and bile are going to be my lifelong comrades.

Am I truly doomed to spend the rest of my life in viciousness and hatred?

I AM TrAPPED..

What's wrong about changing ones mind every day? Just a question...

Little introspection has shown that the best way I can unload myself is by going crazy with music. Or by going for a run.TRY! It's fun and it helps. Quitting smoking has messed my nerves up a bit and it's a bit mental as well but when everything seems to over boil I just slip out for a run (whenever it's possible)or put on a piece of music that screws up my emotions and dance around the room like a madman. And by that I mean -going totally mad! Today I did it with this song..don't get what their singing and I've heard it thousand times but that's not the point..earphones..ready..steady..go!!!!!

It's been a "FEELING GREAT" day.

and this..and all the other songs from that soundtrack..

change of heart

About my last post..here's something else for you - when did we stop trying??!! We are becoming "relationship consumers"! And I don't like that either. Something goes wrong and we just walk away in a hope to find someone ..better..someone ..perfect..

We all know that running away is the easiest way but to try and put a bit of effort in a relationship, to make it work, that's something to be proud of.

Someone told me today about her relationship (after I mentioned how lucky she is with her hubby and kids) that what you put in, you get out. and she is so right!

So here I am, I've got to examples in my hand - a marriage with a moaning aspect and a perfectly normal marriage with its ups and downs but overall- a happy marriage. How is it then - should we keep on trying to find the perfect one or should we just take a relationship material (which is just basically a person and a person) and form it into a "perfect" one..

And your punishment is - marriage!!!!

Few days ago..no..a week ago or so, our housekeeper said something really heart warming:

"I've been married for 42 years and it's been like two life sentences"

Does it really have to be like this? Is it really like this? I mean yeah, yeah it was funny and all ..but still ..if you start to think about it - how many married couples do you know who truly enjoy each others company, even after 42 odd years..I don't want to be like this! Maybe she said the same thing when she got married..maybe they've all said the same thing..like a chicken choir! why does it have to be something monstrous? And what's the meaning of all this anyway? Or are they just saying those things because after all these years they just haven't got anything else to say anymore..How many occasions I've been sitting up in the kitchen 2 am and listening to a friend "moaning" about his or hers partners faults and all the things they do and are wrong and how they do not seem to reach or understand each other.blabla bla..how many times I've been thinking that maybe it's not me you should say all these things..why can't you talk to the right person..talk to the one that needs to hear these things..and anyway - why is it so easy to talk to someone who's not involved? I mean -I don't mind listening (hey - that's what friends are for!) but will it help, will it do any good?

According to Douglas Coupland " Hey Nostradamus!" humanity alone has the capacity at any given moment to commit all possible sins..then , please, do explain me - why would we want to throw ourselves into something we would start to see as a "life sentence" and only because we think that all the pleasures we had before are now transformed into (somehow) things you do not do anymore..sins! And why are sins sins? Why is it a sin to love two or three people at the same time? Why is it a sin to seek fulfillment from different people, different situations? Haven't we made it all up, why did we ( and who did, who was the bastard?) categorise some things (usually the good ones..the gooooood things..) as sins..as something You do not do..because..because why?

And what about all the stuff about soul mates and perfect match and meeting someone who's just like you and the thing about not needing any words to understand each other, not to mention the content feeling while sharing the silence..having all these things - will it still feel like two life sentences..

Or is it just a matter of a fortunate or an unfortunate choice?

What is it?!!

Where's the stupid book that has all the answers??!!!!! I'm sure as hell that there's a manual somewhere out there..I want one..or do I?

Well..I was just thinking here..out loud or rather "down written"..

Being grateful

Under the influence of the movie "The Secret" I'm going to write down all the things I've been grateful for during this day. Today
It has to be done. In the purpose of getting to know myself. And who knows - maybe I will even like myself!
About the movie
"The Secret" is worth watching but I have to warn You - if You are a person with a limited mind and outlook of life then it might put You off a bit. But - if You are able to see the point behind all the over-the-moon illustrated stuff or "money focused" talk and if You can survive the brain washy type of image then - have a look!

Ok..now ..the things I am grateful for:
hmm....
..

...today..today..
..
lovely weather
sun
very sunny
warm
successful appointment for my National Insurance number
great visit to the museum
I'm not starving
TEA
public transport
I've got clothes on
my own bed
tea
place to be
my FAMILY..though they're not here right now
Got three good books from the charity shop..very grateful indeed
I have a good friend with me here..everyday!
found some nuts from my bed in the morning- just what I needed at the moment!
Internet
I can write, walk and talk and THINK
I can see
I can feel
I'm grateful that my friend is grateful for me for dying her hair.
I'm grateful for my cod liver oil which I haven't taken today..but I have it..
GEOBARS!
day-off
grateful for the lad who came and talked to me, grateful for the brief but nice walk together
Grateful for the few pounds I've got in my purse
but mostly I'm grateful because of the sun! Sun addiction..I am greatful that I am!
And, and, and AND I am grateful that I have managed not to smoke for...for.few days..grateful!!!!