"28.April 2011
I wish I had a typewriter installed in my head because it's constantly producing writing material..on every step I take, with every sun beam I see..constant flow of thoughts..and as soon as I sit behind the computer and actually have Internet connection to write something - it's blank!
so here I am on my afternoon break, all by myself with a little note on the bed "CU2nite I@U xxx" ( @ - haven't got a heart key).."
must have fallen asleep because that's exactly where it ends in my notebook
"30 April 2011
I'm sitting at the very end of a cliff top, waves crushing against the rocks.
It's my day off. Woke up with a minor hangover from last nights disco. Disco - yes, a real disco on the island. Don't laugh! Theme - surprise, surprise - wedding.
But it's such a glorious day to be wasted on healing in bed.
It's quite incredible, the surrounding I mean. I've found a wind shelter behind a stone, a small and dry patch of grass with an open view to the Ocean. It's amazing and powerful. It almost makes me wanna cry...just like when I had an Alzheimer's guy in the bar with the most caring partner or when a family ran on the ferry and forgot a wee boy behind ..standing on the chair ..
Now I know how the Ocean feels like. I can feel it.
About feeling things -
I used to think that I want to SEE the world but now I want to FEEL the world and experience how the world makes me feel, how my mind, body and soul will respond to the world.
I've been dancing all night in my high heels, returned home about 5 am, worked 10 and a half hours just before it and the sun is working it's magic..my eyelids are becoming heavier and heavier. I might just curl up on the grass and take a little nap..hopefully not falling off the cliff!
Several hours have passed and I'm been walking along the rough coast line, climbed the rocks, taken few breaks and now sitting on the edge of the South coast of Iona and I REALISED JUST RIGHT NOW what true happiness is.
I can feel my whole body smiling, my face is smiling, my skin is smiling, my toes, my heart and even my spine is smiling. Everything seems extraordinary beautiful and I'm filled with pure love and content. I've got someone I love with every molecule and I'm being loved in return. I feel so free. This feeling is quite sensational.
I guess I really ought to explain what happened after Hershe had read the letter and I returned home.
She sure was not talking to me. And I subconsciously returned to my old control drama -being aloof ( more information about control dramas - The Celestine Prophecy), inherited from my childhood. From my mother. After realizing that I'm again being stuck in it, I took some action and approached Her, asking her to let me know when ever she's ready to talk.
And I waited. And waited.
Went to bed. And waited.
When she finally came to bedroom - still not a word. Killed the light and crawled to the other side of the bed.
And I waited. Nothing.
Then I put my arms around her and asked what was going on because I did not understand that kind of behaviour. She pushed me away.
And I waited.
I heard her weeping. And I knew that the time was right.
What had happened was that she understood the first bit of my letter and then got into her head that there's a guy I cannot stop thinking about. And she thought - this is it.
And it made her realize how deeply she really loves me. I felt it in the air, in her shaking body, I saw it in her eyes.
Me being loaded with loads of positive energy from the day, remained calm and strong. My calmness even surprised me a bit. So I explained to her everything. How I've never had a vision of us being together in the future, that it has still been a classical manandawifewithchildren model and how Charlie had somehow made me see that. And think about it. He proved that I can trust myself, that I don't need the constant attention from men, that I don't need to keep my options always open. That I don't have to constantly keep my eyes open for seeking perfection.
There is no perfection. We are humans.
And this is my happiness. My happiness is with her. This night, this letter and Charlie had changed everything. Our relationship was taken into another higher level, emotional level. We didn't have a platonic relationship with Hershe before we hooked up and we have to make it all up now. Start getting to know each other. " I like getting to know you" she says through her tears..
The trust and freedom we have now has made everything so real. We are waking up with smiles on our faces .we now know how we really feel about each other, we have opened up and all the fears have seem to be vanished.
Content is the word.
Content and happiness.
Not only I feel euphoria ,as one feels being in love, when I'm around her - I'm able to feel the euphoria all the time now.
Tho I do miss her even right now, to share this magnificent sight and emotions I'm going through, I'm still content. And her absence is not paralysing any more.
I would like to spend every possible moment with her..but at the same time ,wish to spend well every moment when it's not possible to be with her.
We have reached the "comfortable silence moment" level. You know what I'm talking about, don't you..
Having learned how to enjoy myself without her has made being with her even more enjoyable. Seeing each other again releases flushes of sensational joy!
It's good to be loved and to love.
That's way I had to meet Charlie in my life. And I did let him know about his impact to our lives..
and looks like some other lives have been touched as well..
I wish I had a typewriter installed in my head because it's constantly producing writing material..on every step I take, with every sun beam I see..constant flow of thoughts..and as soon as I sit behind the computer and actually have Internet connection to write something - it's blank!
so here I am on my afternoon break, all by myself with a little note on the bed "CU2nite I@U xxx" ( @ - haven't got a heart key).."
must have fallen asleep because that's exactly where it ends in my notebook
"30 April 2011
I'm sitting at the very end of a cliff top, waves crushing against the rocks.
It's my day off. Woke up with a minor hangover from last nights disco. Disco - yes, a real disco on the island. Don't laugh! Theme - surprise, surprise - wedding.
But it's such a glorious day to be wasted on healing in bed.
It's quite incredible, the surrounding I mean. I've found a wind shelter behind a stone, a small and dry patch of grass with an open view to the Ocean. It's amazing and powerful. It almost makes me wanna cry...just like when I had an Alzheimer's guy in the bar with the most caring partner or when a family ran on the ferry and forgot a wee boy behind ..standing on the chair ..
Now I know how the Ocean feels like. I can feel it.
About feeling things -
I used to think that I want to SEE the world but now I want to FEEL the world and experience how the world makes me feel, how my mind, body and soul will respond to the world.
I've been dancing all night in my high heels, returned home about 5 am, worked 10 and a half hours just before it and the sun is working it's magic..my eyelids are becoming heavier and heavier. I might just curl up on the grass and take a little nap..hopefully not falling off the cliff!
Several hours have passed and I'm been walking along the rough coast line, climbed the rocks, taken few breaks and now sitting on the edge of the South coast of Iona and I REALISED JUST RIGHT NOW what true happiness is.
I can feel my whole body smiling, my face is smiling, my skin is smiling, my toes, my heart and even my spine is smiling. Everything seems extraordinary beautiful and I'm filled with pure love and content. I've got someone I love with every molecule and I'm being loved in return. I feel so free. This feeling is quite sensational.
I guess I really ought to explain what happened after Hershe had read the letter and I returned home.
She sure was not talking to me. And I subconsciously returned to my old control drama -being aloof ( more information about control dramas - The Celestine Prophecy), inherited from my childhood. From my mother. After realizing that I'm again being stuck in it, I took some action and approached Her, asking her to let me know when ever she's ready to talk.
And I waited. And waited.
Went to bed. And waited.
When she finally came to bedroom - still not a word. Killed the light and crawled to the other side of the bed.
And I waited. Nothing.
Then I put my arms around her and asked what was going on because I did not understand that kind of behaviour. She pushed me away.
And I waited.
I heard her weeping. And I knew that the time was right.
What had happened was that she understood the first bit of my letter and then got into her head that there's a guy I cannot stop thinking about. And she thought - this is it.
And it made her realize how deeply she really loves me. I felt it in the air, in her shaking body, I saw it in her eyes.
Me being loaded with loads of positive energy from the day, remained calm and strong. My calmness even surprised me a bit. So I explained to her everything. How I've never had a vision of us being together in the future, that it has still been a classical manandawifewithchildren model and how Charlie had somehow made me see that. And think about it. He proved that I can trust myself, that I don't need the constant attention from men, that I don't need to keep my options always open. That I don't have to constantly keep my eyes open for seeking perfection.
There is no perfection. We are humans.
And this is my happiness. My happiness is with her. This night, this letter and Charlie had changed everything. Our relationship was taken into another higher level, emotional level. We didn't have a platonic relationship with Hershe before we hooked up and we have to make it all up now. Start getting to know each other. " I like getting to know you" she says through her tears..
The trust and freedom we have now has made everything so real. We are waking up with smiles on our faces .we now know how we really feel about each other, we have opened up and all the fears have seem to be vanished.
Content is the word.
Content and happiness.
Not only I feel euphoria ,as one feels being in love, when I'm around her - I'm able to feel the euphoria all the time now.
Tho I do miss her even right now, to share this magnificent sight and emotions I'm going through, I'm still content. And her absence is not paralysing any more.
I would like to spend every possible moment with her..but at the same time ,wish to spend well every moment when it's not possible to be with her.
We have reached the "comfortable silence moment" level. You know what I'm talking about, don't you..
Having learned how to enjoy myself without her has made being with her even more enjoyable. Seeing each other again releases flushes of sensational joy!
It's good to be loved and to love.
That's way I had to meet Charlie in my life. And I did let him know about his impact to our lives..
and looks like some other lives have been touched as well..
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