My current situation: sharing a room with a smart ass who thinks she understands everything on the god damn planet and that she can solve all the problems with a bloody plan! and ..and who happens to be my best friend. A friend whose existence I've always taken for granted. I can't stand her and I can't stand being without her. She is the rational part of me that The Almighty forgot to add to the mixture he used to create me.
Our room is small, the room is too small. And cold. Small, cold and far far away from home..
Where is my home? Or to be accurate - where was my home?
Well, I used to live in a small country in Eastern Europe. Cold winters, hot summers, lots of alcohol abuse, suicides, poverty, hypocrisy, crime, beaches, illusions and dreams. Yeah, yeah..I like to exaggerate a bit.
When I started grow my pubes I also started to rebel and wander. Hitchhiking, drinking, skipping school and just being imprudent and over spontaneous led me from one thing to another till I got sober and discovered that I'm 17, playing home with a ten years older homophobic racist who had a heart of gold and I had screwed up my studies.
By the time my shameful but not regrettable past(because otherwise I wouldn't be the person I am..and anyway regret is a very useless emotion) became a vague memory replaced by washing up, cleaning, working and school. Then I realised that there has to be more in life. There has to be MORE!
I was happy - I had a home, I had a caring partner (despite that he was a bit over protective and we had different views about a properly functioning relationship), I was catching up with my lessons, I still had fun. Fantastic in-laws! But that wasn't enough and I didn't know what was missing..
There were too many occasions when I escaped to the shadows of dark forests or found myself roaming..not having a clue where or why..
And somehow I managed to get myself into a big trouble by having some kind of insidious feelings against to my dear friend..who happened to be my partner's friend and soon a father-to-be..
It was the decision time. The situation became unbearable. The borders became unbearable..
After five years of steady relationship I finally did it. I started to head for my dream - the ultimate freedom! My Holy Grail.
I left my work..my home, my pets..I left Him and all the others who cared about me..or who said they cared.. Call me selfish.
My head is my bank, my feelings are my friends, my feet are my transport and my heart is my home. My assets fit in a back bag and the memories of my scandalous trips pushed me out of my door, leaving everything behind. I had to put my own happiness above others.
I have a smile on my face. A big and creepy smile..
"People sink out of sight, drown in the shadows of closer things" (J. Fowles " The French Lieutenant's Women"
And the same happened to me. I stepped out of sight and saw who and what was real. Not many and not much..
I ended up in England. Have to move on. I know that there's nothing that would stop me from keeping going.
I don't know where I'm going
I don't know for how long I'll keep wandering
And above all - I haven't got any clue whether the ultimate freedom I'm so desperate to find and experience will finally tame me..
Our room is small, the room is too small. And cold. Small, cold and far far away from home..
Where is my home? Or to be accurate - where was my home?
Well, I used to live in a small country in Eastern Europe. Cold winters, hot summers, lots of alcohol abuse, suicides, poverty, hypocrisy, crime, beaches, illusions and dreams. Yeah, yeah..I like to exaggerate a bit.
When I started grow my pubes I also started to rebel and wander. Hitchhiking, drinking, skipping school and just being imprudent and over spontaneous led me from one thing to another till I got sober and discovered that I'm 17, playing home with a ten years older homophobic racist who had a heart of gold and I had screwed up my studies.
By the time my shameful but not regrettable past(because otherwise I wouldn't be the person I am..and anyway regret is a very useless emotion) became a vague memory replaced by washing up, cleaning, working and school. Then I realised that there has to be more in life. There has to be MORE!
I was happy - I had a home, I had a caring partner (despite that he was a bit over protective and we had different views about a properly functioning relationship), I was catching up with my lessons, I still had fun. Fantastic in-laws! But that wasn't enough and I didn't know what was missing..
There were too many occasions when I escaped to the shadows of dark forests or found myself roaming..not having a clue where or why..
And somehow I managed to get myself into a big trouble by having some kind of insidious feelings against to my dear friend..who happened to be my partner's friend and soon a father-to-be..
It was the decision time. The situation became unbearable. The borders became unbearable..
After five years of steady relationship I finally did it. I started to head for my dream - the ultimate freedom! My Holy Grail.
I left my work..my home, my pets..I left Him and all the others who cared about me..or who said they cared.. Call me selfish.
My head is my bank, my feelings are my friends, my feet are my transport and my heart is my home. My assets fit in a back bag and the memories of my scandalous trips pushed me out of my door, leaving everything behind. I had to put my own happiness above others.
I have a smile on my face. A big and creepy smile..
"People sink out of sight, drown in the shadows of closer things" (J. Fowles " The French Lieutenant's Women"
And the same happened to me. I stepped out of sight and saw who and what was real. Not many and not much..
I ended up in England. Have to move on. I know that there's nothing that would stop me from keeping going.
I don't know where I'm going
I don't know for how long I'll keep wandering
And above all - I haven't got any clue whether the ultimate freedom I'm so desperate to find and experience will finally tame me..
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