Dedicated to Shawn James Dugan...a man I never met.
Dear Mr or Ms God,
I am writing to apply for the post I thought You should have had a long long time ago - a personal assistant. Oh..and don't tell me You already have one..because..well ..in that case...You ought to replace him slash her..because clearly there have been some deficiencies in his or hers work.
And, Gosh, what the hell have You been doing up there anyway!!??!
When was the last time You set Your foot on the ground floor?
Sorry..got carried away. . .
My current employer has spoken very highly about You. You see, he's a reverend in the church and I suppose he knows what he's talking about because as you may note from my CV , I have no experience nor knowledge about your current affairs what so ever but I have noticed some things I could do for You.
Firstly.
I guess You've already met Shawn..You know - Keith's brother.. Yes. He was offered a placement in your department..but as we've heard down here - there have been some dark things going on up there..people are saying that it wasn't really an offer..more like a ..hmm..how do I put it..more like kidnapping!
Have you got any idea what you've caused?! I mean ..You can't really expect that You can smoothen these things out..And don't start with the "plan story"! You better have a plan B next time because I really don't know how Your plan is going to help his three years old son Patrick Sullivan to grow up..or how Your plan helps to keep his wife Cathy going. Not to mention Keith himself..it's been two weeks since You took him and he still can't believe it..You just can't do things like this!
You must be a busy person..that's the only way I can explain Your choice on the 2. April 2010. Is Your list computerized? Does the computer browse through the database and select random names?
Or is there a logical reason behind Your choices?
Or do You throw a coin?
I have to say I'm a pretty good observer so I could help You out making better decisions..there must be some people who are suffering and craving for to dye..to come and join You.
I am sure of it because my Granny was one of them (say Hi to her when You see her!). She survived THREE strokes..come on..three strokes..what were You thinking of?! I'm sure she wouldn't have minded to pack up down here and have a bit of a climate change! But to take a 38 years old absolutely fantastic person (as I've read about him)..I don't know..
So, yes, my knowledge in Office Programs is quite good and I could also introduce a voluntary scheme for dyers or an euthanasia, as they like to call it..
Oh, and I think my mom popped in last summer while she was trying to top herself, didn't she? So, if she happens drop in again, You could ask her a reference for me..convenient, huh?
Secondly.
Why on earth do You need children up there? Isn't it hard enough to deal with all the grumpy granddads and grannies? Why all this extra work and trouble?
I suggest (of course if You hire me) to skip the kiddies and set up a nice retirement place for the old folks.
You must have met my little sister, can't miss her because ..man..was she an angel or what! Or....is she an angel or what? hmm..is she an angel? Have You got any angels up there? Ok, I'll ask You all about later. Let us carry on.
She was only two years old. Are You running a nursery? And if You are not and You're going to keep on like this then we better set up a nice nursery as well. Or is this the reason You need all sorts of people because You're creating Your own little world there..because You need some good and cheap labour..? Is that the case?
OK..before You send me the contract, I have some questions:
Could I possibly work from home..cos I think we'll be better off when I'm down here so I can create and keep good business relationships and maybe hand out some booklets or information about our choices. Surely, Keith and his family would've liked to have some information and details about Shawn's sudden disappearance..as all the others...
Bonuses by any chance..family bonuses? Don't make me choose my favourite when it's time for my dearest ones to go..
And I've got quite a lot to do..so I'm beginning to think that one life is not enough for me..so in case of promotion..keep it in mind..will You..
NB! I assure You that my non religious background and mind will not affect my work results...on the contrary - I think we could even improve one another!
I hope You consider me as Your possible right hand or..apprentice even...well anyway..I hope to hear from You soon..or see You..no..better not scare me..Send me a sign, OK?
Together we can make this world a better place! (Remind me to tell You some ideas I already have in terms of making those changes in people's lives a bit less painful).
RSVP
Yours Sincerely,
Chica D. Master
And God, please find attached some materials from the link below that may help You to better understanding of how You choices are affecting people's lives.
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